Sometimes you just need some Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo. This is one of those times for Disney and me.
In my last post I was worried about Disney as I faced 2019. My worries have escalated. I took her to the veterinarian during the week. The vet believes that she has cancer that is affecting her spine and that’s why her legs are weakening. There is nothing that can be done for her because medications would damage her already failing kidneys and cause her diabetes to go out of control. Her veterinarian, Dr. Napolitano, is wonderful, and she described Disney as an impressive girl- at 17 years old and with so much wrong with that little body, she is a fighter. But, she’s still my baby. Disney was given an injection, and I was given a prescription, to help with the inflammation that might ease her walking. Now, it’s a matter of time.
I see a very slight improvement in her walking, and she is persistent. She climbs onto the sofa and the bed and likes to be near me. Her appetite is good and she was very excited to eat turkey, probably her very favorite treat. She’s not quite herself, but she is not as withdrawn as she had been, so maybe the medication is helping. Dr. Napolitano says these are good signs. I am spending a lot of time giving Disney attention and love, but the sadness looms.
Watching Disney, doting on her and worrying about her certainly has me pretty stressed. I find that I am not only dealing with the impending loss of my sweet Disney, but I am also reliving the terrible parts of caregiving and anticipatory grief that I experienced during Ben’s battle with ALS. On Friday, I spent the day at work preoccupied with how Disney was doing at home- if she had fallen, if she was in pain, if she was scared to be by herself if she didn’t feel well. That brought back memories of the years of being at school with my phone in hand, hoping that my phone would not ring with an alert that my dad or Ben were having a crisis. Yesterday, I did go to the theater with a friend, but I was distracted by thoughts of how Disney was doing at home. I felt the same guilt about going out that I felt when I arranged to go out while Ben was ill. Once again, there is no relaxation at home. The pain of those memories, which has dulled but has not been forgotten, has once again become vivid.
Also, I feel like I have once again stepped back to being Abby who is caring for an ill loved one. When I started working at my new high school, no one, except for a few teachers who knew me prior to this position, knew about Ben and my dad. I could shed my reputation as the caregiver or the griever. But, here I am again. I do appreciate the concern shown by my friends, I just don’t want to be “that” Abby again.
Timon from the The Lion King was right when he told Simba, “Sometimes bad things happen and there’s nothing you can do about it.” I know the realities. Disney is seventeen years old. She’s been ill for quite some time. She was diagnosed with diabetes about a week after Ben died. Since then, it’s been one medical problem after the next. Despite this, she’s had a really good life and she’s brought me so much happiness and comfort. She is simply a very sweet cat – beautiful inside and out- without any of the negative qualities attributed to cats. She’s kind of like a needy toddler who always needs her Mommy. She was always there for cuddling when things were awful with my dad and Ben and when I looked in her big green eyes I knew she understood what was in my heart. When Ben was in the hospital for those six weeks, I was so grateful to return home to her. Importantly, she is, actually, my one remaining connection to Ben. Disney was here as Ben’s ALS progressed. She watched intently as his walking became unsteady. She went to him when he could no longer go to her. She was even in the hospital to say good bye and watch over him. And, here I am, watching over Disney in the same way, trying unsuccessfully to simultaneously ignore and accept what I know is happening.
I have pushed through the bad days as I navigated the Inside Out of emotions in caregiving and grief (click here for prior post) and I am constantly reminded and reassured that I can step back into life. Writing these posts helps me to sort through issues as they arise. Maybe that’s why I am so shaken by the way this event has thrown me so far back into the depths of grief.
Ben made the choice of how he would live and die with ALS. I will have to make the choice for Disney. I want to be sure that she is comfortable and that I am not being selfish and keeping her here when I should let her go. Maybe I am too obsessively following her, lifting her so she does not have to climb, keeping a close eye on her and listening to every sound, talking to and cuddling her. I wish I had a fairy godmother who could bring us some Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo, but maybe Disney and I are each other’s fairy godmothers, and even though we don’t have actual magic, we are always there for each other with all the love in the world.