An “Oh, Bother” Kind of Day

Grief,Disney,Winnie the Pooh

The Many Adventures of Winnie The Pooh
Walt Disney Productions

“Oh, Bother!”

No matter how well I think I’m doing and how much of a new normal I feel I’ve come to know, I cannot avoid those Winnie the Pooh “Oh, bother!” moments or days.  I read so many comments from people expressing anxiety and/or confusion about how they are handling grief or the many conflicting emotions involved in caregiving. I relate to that self-judgment but I have also come to realize that it is just a part of the grief with which I have come to co-exist.

August 26 was five years since Ben left this world. Five years seemed a milestone period of time to me and the date weighed on me. As always, days come and go, sadness ebbs and flows. The fact that the anniversary also is so close to the beginning of the school year adds anxiety to this time. I know and understand all those emotions, so I just accept the imbalance in my feelings and moods. As I’ve written, the pandemic and quarantine have also brought memories and thoughts of how worried I would be if Ben were here and I had to worry about bringing COVID19 to him, or what we would do if I became ill. Caregiving may no longer be my responsibility, but those thoughts never seem to go away. On the plus side, I think it’s a good thing that I am very sensitive to the concerns of others.

I have received many signs and messages from Ben over the years and I know that he is with me. Although I often feel his presence, lately, I have been more aware of his absence, and it bothers me. I’ve looked for signs that are not there. I am terrified of birds, but have had cardinals show up literally in my path staring at me. I’ve read that they carry spiritual messages, so although Ben knew how terrified I am of birds, I can’t help but believe that they were messages from me.

Fall was always Ben’s and my favorite time of year. We loved Halloween. For a while, it was too difficult to face Halloween without Ben, but I’ve slowly embraced it. In fact, last year at this time I was in Walt Disney World enjoying Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party with my friend and her daughters and although it was bittersweet and there were tears, I enjoyed it and also enjoyed watching it through Ben’s eyes. At home, we always decorated, but for a while the decorations were too hard to have around. I would go to storage, look in the box, see if anything felt okay and take those things. I was surprised that the Disney Halloween countdown calendar actually proved a comfort to me but most things still remain in storage. Last year, I bought a few new things that remind me of Ben but also allow Halloween to look a little different. Yesterday, I went to storage and again looked at our Halloween collection. Again, I left most things except for those that I know that I have enjoyed displaying. At the last minute, I decided to take the banner that hung in our Walt Disney World hotel room during our last visit in 2014, when I had the room decorated for Halloween as a surprise for Ben- a very big surprise, particularly since it was July! I had tried to display the banner once before and found it upsetting, but something told me to try again. I do push myself, but also don’t judge myself about these kinds of things. As it turned out, I put up the banner and it bothered me. Over the course of the evening it really started to unnerve and upset me. I took it down, apologized aloud to Ben, and put it away. I will never know why things affect me so differently. They just do. I felt better without the banner, so I know it was right to put it away. Maybe I’ll try again next year. Maybe not. Although it’s emotional, I still feel compelled to decorate and it still gives me a feeling of connection to Ben. The good memories still make me smile despite the sadness.

This banner greeted us when we arrived at our room at Walt Disney World’s Boardwalk Inn. I just can’t enjoy it now.

It’s here- Happy Halloween! This is a Halloween countdown figurine I surprised Ben with that he loved. I thought it would make me sad but it gives me tremendous joy and comfort.

This morning, I took a long walk through Central Park. I have been able to take more walks through Central Park now that the weather has cooled a bit. With my Halloween sadness looming, I found myself tearing up as I walked around, missing being with Ben and together enjoying the arrival of fall. I know he would have enjoyed feeding the squirrels with me. I tossed money into each musician’s case or bucket because Ben always did- he loved music and had much respect for musicians. I stopped at the Hans Christian Andersen statue and thought about how we originally developed a connection because we loved the film Hans Christian Andersen as kids and he surprised me with the DVD when we had just begun dating. I started today’s walk feeling glad to be getting back in shape on walks that I enjoy so much and returned home in a mood of melancholy.

Hans Christian Andersen statue in Central Park

The squirrels love peanuts!

A lovely view of Central Park

I understand it. I can reason it. Still, as I walked home, I couldn’t help but feel exhausted at not being able to prepare for these unexpected triggers. I have learned to expect the unexpected, but it does not mean it doesn’t upset me. In a way, I think that these moments cause me to be aware of how I balance my emotions. Since I do think a lot about honoring Ben in all that I do, these setbacks during which I acknowledge how much I miss him and give me a time to spiritually and quietly send that message to him. I wanted to write down these thoughts for those readers who feel the frustration of how and if one really emerges from grief. I know that I have steadily gotten better. I believe that it’s normal and actually, okay, that I have those kinds of Eeyore-ish days, since I know that indeed, I have carved out a life for myself, even though I am sure of exactly where I want to be. As much as I remind myself of this new normal status, still, the bottom line on days like yesterday and today is “Oh, bother!”

The last time that Ben and I were around Central Park in the fall of 2013.

Merida’s Lessons About Being Brave Enough To Emerge From Grief And Explore My Destiny

Brave, Walt Disney Pictures, Pixar Animation Studios 2012

This is always a strange time of year. I feel like I spend the summer with the anniversary of Ben’s passing looming over me, wondering how it will affect me, what I should do and where I should be in grief and in life. Once August 26 passes, in a way, I breathe a sigh of relief. On the other hand, it leaves me feeling in limbo. Now what?  There is more anxious anticipation as I await the start of a new school year. This year, the entire summer was off kilter due to the pandemic. I often had to check my phone to see the date. Time flew at the same time that it stood still. But, summer has come to an end. The school year will begin but in many ways it remains undetermined. I feel very disrespected as a teacher. It’s a lousy way to feel. I know it well, from the caregiving days of showing up and doing my best despite a lack of appreciation.

Maybe because it’s been five years and that feels like a big chunk of time, I’ve been feeling that it’s time to move forward on the ideas and dreams that have been percolating in my mind. It took a year from the time Ben left this world, but despite a lack of confidence, I started my blog, Pixie Dust For Caregivers, which has been a wonderful, rewarding experience. I earned my certification as a Caregiving Consultant, which bolsters my ability to support other caregivers, as does my volunteer work. I have wanted to do more, particularly with young people. Walt Disney says, “Think. Believe. Dream. Dare.” Believing in myself and daring are not things that come easy to me. Last week, I started to make strides that make me feel that I am finally becoming brave enough to realize my goals, dreams, and destiny.

Last fall, I talked to my wonderful principal about the possibility of reaching out to students who are caregivers- either for a parent/relative or even for siblings. I noticed that there were many amongst my classes- they could be frazzled, distracted, exhausted or emotional. Knowing how hard it was for me, an adult, to juggle caregiving with a full-time job, my heart went out to teenagers trying to process and carry out all of those responsibilities. My principal was very supportive of the idea and he suggested starting a club and talking to guidance counselors who could let students know about it, leaving it to the students to reach out to me rather than compromising their privacy. I positioned the club for the school as a club for caregivers but also for students who felt that they wanted and/or needed to take some time to care for themselves and others. As a group, we talked about volunteer activities.  Shortly after the club got underway, the wildfires in Australia began and many students talked to me about the animals because they knew how much I love animals. The club’s first activity was a fundraiser for the animals in Australia, and they were very proud of their success. The kids are remarkably talented and had so much energy, creating social media posts, baking, and generating enthusiasm.

Once the pandemic hit, the idea of volunteer activities was more challenging, but we continued weekly remote meetings. The students wanted to create school-wide remote workshops and they had great concepts. I helped them with their ideas and their pacing, had them handle our club’s Instagram account, and provided any oversight necessary. It was fun and inspiring just to listen to them chat during our meetings- cheering, supporting and advising each other. Their friends and even some teachers joined us for our workshops, which was a great sense of community at a time when we felt isolated. For a while, I focused on my frustration that the club was not accomplishing my original goal of reaching caregivers. However, as I thought more about it, I realized that I was nurturing a caring community. I was working with a group of young people to explore the idea of showing compassion, even remotely. These were students who, like me, are care givers. This is another path of my journey. I just had to step back, reflect and see it.

I pursued potential volunteer activities and at a virtual meeting met a woman who coordinates volunteer activities for a local organization that provides services to youth removed from their homes and facing some very tough life circumstances. I reached out to her about the possibility of having my students volunteer as a group, explaining that we had done a student-led journaling workshop that I felt could work well with her population. Although the organization had not worked with teen volunteers before, after a Zoom meeting with the program managers, there was a feeling that their population might actually really appreciate interacting with kids around their age. They put a lot of trust in me to carry this out, and I have a lot of faith in my students, so I knew that with support, they would do an outstanding job.

It took a few months of coordination among four centers where the youth are living, but we did our workshop last week. I was so nervous, doubting myself and just hoping that it would go smoothly and be well received. In fact, it was an extraordinary experience. The youth were all engaged, spirited and eager to participate. My student leader was sensitive, articulate and thoughtful, and the club members who participated were animated and happy to interact and support the effort. It was truly heartwarming. My students said they felt very special that the teens were so open and honest. They loved that the youth were holding up their work to the camera so we could see what they created in response to the prompts, which included what is your favorite word, what makes you happy, what is a source of stress. The feedback I received from the organization was overwhelmingly positive. They saw in the reactions and responses of their young people that this was a much needed and valuable endeavor. The teens completely embraced the opportunity to express themselves and share their feelings with my students. Journaling could prove to be a tremendous inspiration and pathway for self-expression that will help all of these young people in life. The organization’s staff was very impressed with my students, which makes me very proud of and happy for them. The teens can’t wait for us to return! I was so pleased to share all of the positive feedback with “my kids” as I call them. A remote session and working with teen volunteers were completely unchartered territory for the organization, and the activity as a volunteer effort was new for all of us, but we achieved something quite wonderful! I can honestly say I followed Walt’s formula: Thought. Believed. Dreamed. Dared. And it went well beyond expectations.

No one knows how this school year will work, but I’m hopeful that the club will continue our partnership with this local community organization and, perhaps, even create new partnerships and expand our club. More important, we are expanding our group of giving, compassionate, givers of care and support. I may not have envisioned the club in this way, but when I opened my mind and perspective, I could see that I have, in fact, made a dream come true and successfully moved towards fulfilling what I’ve come to believe is my destiny.

The other dream I’ve had is to somehow build upon my blog. I’ve thought about ways to shape it into a book and/or develop related products and activities. I have put a lot of obstacles in my way, starting with a lack of confidence. However, the ideas just hadn’t quite gelled in my mind. Finally, I have had some breakthroughs and begun to write and explore aspects of my blog that can become a meaningful resource.

It’s a big challenge for me to be brave enough to acknowledge what’s inside of me in terms of my capabilities and potential. I will have to work hard to feel and maintain the self-confidence to continue to believe and dare to make my dreams come true. Throughout grief, I’ve taken a lot of time to reflect, largely sharing those reflections in the blog. I don’t think anyone ever really figures out life because there are always twists and turns. For me, that process of reflection has allowed me to explore who I was, who I am and who I want and am meant to be. I think Merida was right when she said, ““Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it.” I feel that I’ve made progress in my journey by virtue of being at a point where I’ve begun to take some leaps of faith. Of course, a little Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo wouldn’t hurt!