May is ALS Awareness Month, and although ALS is always on my mind, even in the days since I lost Ben, I like to think that all of the Awareness months bring new information, insights and reflections into view. This post is probably a long time coming, but this seems a good time to address new issues and aspects of ALS and caregiving. In many posts I have mentioned that while Ben was fighting his battle against ALS, anger, resentment and profound sadness affected us. I would say that we both believed in the quote from the 2015 live action Cinderella to “have courage and be kind,” but it did not always happen. I have read many comments from caregivers of people with ALS and other illnesses expressing aggravation and devastation from the hurtful things their carees say to them. Likewise, they are upset with themselves for the ugly things they have said to their carees. I have not really delved into this topic, mostly because those conversations with Ben feel very unloving and uncharacteristic of our relationship and what I want to remember, and I don’t want to speak for Ben and potentially compromise his integrity. But, having suffered my own battle wounds as a caregiver, and having questioned my caregiving abilities because of incidents with Ben, I felt that sharing my experience might offer some perspective and consolation. To do this, I believe it’s time to invoke the Disney villains!
It must be said, and reiterated, that it is almost incomprehensibly difficult to need a caregiver, but it is also profoundly difficult, in a different way, to be a caregiver. Although the needs of a caree often must take priority, the challenges both face must be considered. Ben was diagnosed with ALS a couple of years after my dad was diagnosed and living with cancer. In my mind, there was no question that I would be their caregiver, though I cannot honestly say that I knew exactly what caregiving would look like. After his diagnosis, Ben told me that if I wanted to leave and have a different kind of life, that he would understand. I would never have done that, though many people thought I should, for a variety of reasons. To this day, I do not regret my decision. The only regret I have is that Ben and I did not communicate better. I hope that if this post resonates with any caregivers or carees, that they take to heart how crucial it is to have those uncomfortable and sometimes heart-wrenching conversations and to express yourselves before the ugly emotions and language spew forth, so that you can speak to each other respectfully, tactfully, and lovingly. In the case of ALS, communication itself becomes increasingly impeded, so those opportunities for self-expression and sharing should not be postponed.
Hold your tongue!– Lady Tremaine, Cinderella’s Stepmother, Cinderella (1950)
Ben’s ALS progressed slowly, which was a good thing. However, it allowed us to procrastinate on difficult discussions and decisions about what kind of home health care we would need, how we could organize our lives financially and practically, as well as emotionally, and even where he would live. When these subjects were raised, either by our loved ones or by his medical teams, Ben’s attitude was that these things were going to happen way down the road. I admired his optimism even when I was frustrated. I worried about these things, but I always reasoned that he was dying and if this was his way of processing these things, that I had to follow his lead.
After nearly four years, despite his denial, we hit that bump in the road where Ben’s needs were increasing, and I was struggling to juggle a full-time teaching job while being his full-time caregiver and my dad’s. To a large degree, I felt that Ben’s denial kept him healthier. On the other hand, because he did not concede to his limitations, he did not admit that I had to do much to accommodate him, which was not true, and I held my tongue and seethed rather than express my concerns about how overwhelmed I felt. Unfortunately, it came out in bad moods that annoyed Ben because he did not understand their source. It was becoming more and more of a battle to juggle caregiving with work, and to feel that I was slipping away from my friends, family and even myself. Frequently, when we were awake much of the night, I went to work exhausted. Sometimes, on those nights, I would cry while I was assisting Ben, which upset both of us. Of course, it was never his fault that he needed assistance. We both knew it was exhaustion but we had no solution.
When there was not an actual incident, I lived with the worry of one. While Ben was able to do some walking, I went to work every day waiting to get my daily text that he was okay and at his desk and I spent the rest of the day hoping that there would not be a problem. There were many times that I had to leave school because he was having a crisis, either falling, stuck on the toilet, or suffering severe anxiety for which he refused medication.
In one conversation about the difficulty I was having with full time work and full time caregiving, he told me that I did not do very much and what I did was half-assed. I think that even he knew this was not true, but it was not easy to hear and it cut me deeply. He asked me to list what I did for him, which I would not do, saying that I should not have to, and I ended the discussion, leaving both of us feeling angry. Clearly it had a strong impact, because I remember it several years later. Better communication about our feelings would likely have helped, even if it could not change our situation. Intellectually, I knew that Ben did greatly value and depend on what I did for him, and he loved me as much as I loved him, but he did not want to admit what was happening to his body, and he took it out on me because I was the closest person to him. He minded his temper more with his daughter because, unlike with me, he admitted that he did not trust that her support was unconditional and he knew that it was measured. There were certainly times that I dropped the ball or was not as patient as I could and should have been. With our own struggles and needs, it became impossible to be objective. We both felt anger, aggravation and helplessness and the reality was that both of our feelings mattered even when we couldn’t meet all of our needs. There was so much love over those years, and it still disturbs me that these memories still hover over me, but it would be dishonest, inaccurate and self-deceptive to ignore them.
Words are important, and Ben got impatient when I was irritated that he did not think he had to say thank you to me. To be fair, sometimes he did, but he had to deem it a worthy occasion. It may be a simple phrase, but he knew that it meant a lot to me, and that I felt that his not saying it was sending me the message that he felt entitled. Rather than argue these things, I withdrew into myself rather than dispute Ben, because, after all, he was dying and had his own inner conflicts. I wrote in my journal and vented to a social worker at the ALS local chapter, to his doctor, and to my friends and family. But, I also felt paralyzed, so nothing changed. I have to say that on so many levels I felt honored to be the person Ben relied on to be his caregiver, but the stress of his worsening condition, lack of acceptance of it, and our reluctance to admit and address our feelings and fears, led to a lot of sadness and resentment.
There were weekends when I simply needed time to myself. TGIF was not something I really looked forward to. Without question, I took care of Ben’s needs- prepared and fed his meals, washed him, transferred him to and from chair and commode, and whatever else needed to be done- but I was sometimes distant. I knew I was aloof and only doing what had to be done, with little conversation or affection. I stayed by myself in one room and left him in the other to play on his computer or watch television, but I could see and hear him. I knew he waited all week for time with me on the weekend and I felt guilty that I just could not be there emotionally. I knew that I was collapsing and I did not know what to do. Ben did not want to hear it. Staying in a quiet room staring at the television or my laptop was the way I coped. At those times I did wonder if I was a good caregiver. When Ben felt insulted, annoyed or impatient when I was distant, I seriously questioned myself as a caregiver. It’s taken me a long time, and a lot of advice, to reconcile my feelings. I still think about it though, particularly as COVID19 has us all homebound.
In my Disney way, I feel it is necessary to say that there was pixie dust, as Ben and I did find many ways to show each other our love and gratitude. When he did have some private care home health assistance, he sometimes texted me that he had asked his aide to stay an extra hour or two, so I could stay out for a while. He did try to find back-up assistance when there was an event that he knew I really wanted to attend. I kept Ben laughing and smiling, with my Vitamix concoctions, my dramatic presentations of shopping I had done for him, my surprise decorations around the apartment and little gifts, including snowballs after a storm. He knew that I would make the phone calls and write the emails to get him what he needed. There were so many loving gestures that showed the real Ben and Abby, but they were sometimes overshadowed by darker occasions that resulted from our Jaberwocky that was ALS.
Get to the part where I lose my temper! –Red Queen, Alice in Wonderland
One of the physical realities we faced was that I suffered a broken shoulder in 2012 and my back issues were amplified a few months later after a car accident with my dad (he was fine, thank goodness). Fortunately, Ben was able to walk on his own at that point and his ALS had not progressed drastically. However, even a year or two afterwards, when he did need more assistance, transferring Ben frequently was physically difficult, compounded by the emotional toll on both of us. On many weekends, Ben kindly stayed in the bedroom so I did not have to yank his chair across the apartment several times. But, there were times that it was unavoidable. Once, after getting annoyed with me, he asked me to transfer him back to his chair, minutes after asking me to put him into the bed. I felt helpless and irritated, and I asked him why he had to transfer so soon and his response was, “so I can make you as miserable as you make me.” This was one of the very few times that I lost my temper and I argued with him that I gave him 1000 percent and that he was ungrateful. I left him in bed for about ten minutes to gather my strength- physical and emotional- despite his protests.
During some of these kinds of moments, Ben said that if he didn’t have a life, why should I have one? There is no answer to that other than that’s the way things turned out and life was unfair to him. It did break my heart and it still does. It also made me question if I did have a right to want to see my friends sometimes or do some of the things I enjoyed, even if it was just a casual stroll across town after school. I was terrified and devastated by what was happening to him and to our life and I felt like I was not doing a good job of finding a balance of work, caregiving and life.
The trying situations were not always with Ben. There were medical professionals with whom we did not have a positive connection. Some were judgmental and not helpful. One social worker provided misinformation and did not help Ben with financial advice and we ended up researching and completing paperwork on our own, losing a year of benefits. In the hospital, we were fortunate to have many wonderful health care professionals. However, the goal was to move Ben on and out, and I learned that as an advocate, I was easily able to overcome my shyness and lack of confidence to communicate on Ben’s behalf. I aligned myself with the most supportive and helpful team members, and his incredibly patient and wonderful doctor, and enabled Ben to navigate his circumstances on his own terms.
I was also the liaison to Ben’s family, particularly when he was in the hospital. Throughout his illness, Ben was often disappointed by their empty promises, which left me exasperated. Few questions were asked but he and I were often judged despite their lack of actual knowledge of his condition, or their involvement, which was infuriating. Intellectually, I knew that it would not help the situation to lose my temper, but I could not refrain on certain occasions, like when one daughter criticized me for taking fifteen minutes to respond to a text when, in fact, I was talking to the medical staff in the hospital, and it had taken her over a week to even reply to a text telling the family that Ben had pneumonia. It helped me to set the bar very low in terms of expectations for logic as well as family support and involvement. A sense of humor also should never be underestimated. The balance in that came with handling their demands and expectations of me. I tried to establish a norm where I relayed particulars but kept my distance, which allowed me to keep them informed without compromising my feelings and enabling a lot of drama. I put aside my own resentments and was able to have meaningful conversations and a brief close connection to one of his daughters, as well. Believe me, in my fantasies and when venting, I was a veritable Red Queen!
“Life’s full of tough choices, isn’t it?” – Ursula, The Little Mermaid
Communication and delivery style are so vitally important, especially when tensions are high. On several occasions, Ben said that I had no choice but to take care of him. I remember that one day, I very quietly told him that I did have a choice. I was with him because I chose to be with him because I loved him, but I could also choose not to stay with him. His first reaction was anger, and then it seemed like shock that I would say such a thing. I imagine it scared him to hear that. But, Ben also knew me. He knew I would never leave him. I knew I would never leave him.
I was furious when, without any discussion, Ben told me that he was letting go his home health aide as soon as my school year ended and that I would be his 24/7 caregiver for the summer in addition to 3 hours each weekday of home health care provided by hospice. However, he only allowed them to sponge bathe him and feed him, preferring my “cooking” and with the knowledge that they would not transfer him to and from beds, chairs and the commode. I did ask him why he made that decision without speaking to me about it and he said I had no choice because he was concerned about finances. Ben thought I should not question his needs or his plans, and indeed, he needed 24/7 assistance. Although he did not admit it, I’m sure that there was an element of fear that I would refuse to take on this monumental task, so he created a scenario where there was no opportunity for debate, knowing that I would never leave him. The truth is that I really did not have a choice but to take care of him, not because he said so, but because despite these ugly moments, I was connected by my heartstrings- we loved each other and I would never have abandoned him. But, no one wants to feel taken for granted or stuck, and that was exactly how I felt. I felt very close to a breaking point at that time, but I did not feel that I had any options. It was not a safe or good physical environment, but we were stuck in the apartment. We plodded through these times recognizing, as the song in Cinderella says, “so this is love.” Unfortunately, when there was a conflict, our communication broke down.
We never had a chance to resolve the issue of my being his 24/7 caregiver because he had a respiratory crisis and ended up in the hospital just a few days after the school year ended. When Ben spent his last weeks in the hospital, despite a staff of people to tend to him, I remained at his side for at least 14 hours a day and frequently overnight. That was not a tough choice- it was exactly where I wanted and needed to be. I was the person he depended on. I wanted and needed to be that person. The tensions we had experienced largely disappeared. As he neared the end, it was all about love and how much we appreciated each other.
After Ben died, I heard kind things from so many people about what a good caregiver and how brave I was. I didn’t see it. More than that, I struggled with whether I really was a good caregiver if Ben didn’t think so, as he’d said in these worst moments. I wrote in a previous post about losing my identity, and this was one way it surfaced. I have come to realize that there was a Ben and Abby before ALS and a Ben and Abby after ALS, and in some ways they were not the same. Our relationship shifted from husband to wife to patient and caregiver. There were fears, physical and emotional pains, and challenging circumstances that brought out the good but also the bad sides of both of us.
“You poor, simple fools. Thinking you could defeat me. Me! The mistress of all evil!” Maleficent, Sleeping Beauty
As I reflect on the experiences and the related feelings and emotions, I see that it is so important to remember not to focus on the negative people and personalities, or even on the individual events. Stress, caregiving, and impending death are all things that cause tension and impact on our interpersonal relations. Vilifying people only deviated from the truly and painfully unsolvable problem.There was only one true villain in our circumstance, and that was ALS. While we could not defeat the disease, we could defeat the ugly feelings. Despite the struggles, and though we could not always acknowledge it while immersed in the experience, Ben’s and my relationship and love actually strengthened throughout our ALS journey. I choose to embrace the love that I was fortunate to receive and to give, without forgetting the realities of the big picture within the trajectory of our experience with ALS.
If you are a caregiver struggling with relationship issues with your caree, please remember that it’s been more than four years since Ben left this world, so I’ve had time to gain perspective. It is not as simple when you are in the midst of the situation, but please try to remember what the villain really is and open the lines of communication, filling them with love, even if that includes expressions of frustration. Cut each other slack- it’s okay and to be expected that nobody is always going to be at his or her best, even in the best of times. It has taken me a while to get to a point where my strongest memories are the beautiful times we had before ALS and the beautiful aspects of caregiving when the most powerful feeling was profound and boundless love.