Dory

Finding Nemo and Dory Also Means Finding Good Advice on Caregiving and Life

Finding Dory,Disney,ALS,Caregiving,Caregiver,Grief

I guess aquatic life has been on my mind since my little jaunt to the Georgia Aquarium and found Nemo and Dory and had so much fun with the sea otters, dolphin and penguins. Nemo, Dory and their friends helped me put into perspective a lot about caregiving and life. It’s not all about “just keep swimming!” but you can read about how that quote inspired me by clicking here.

  1. Some of the best help and support you receive will come from unexpected sources.

Finding Dory,Disney,ALS,Caregiving,Caregiver,GriefDory felt alone because she thought she would never find her mom and dad and have a family. She finally realized that Nemo and Marlin were also her family.  My friends are my family, too and they provided help and support for which I will always be grateful. So did some of the professionals who took care of Ben, and I will forever love and be grateful to them as well. Becky and Gerald may have seemed like they were not up to the task of helping Dory and her friends, but they also came through in big ways. Don’t automatically judge or dismiss people, especially if they genuinely want to help, because they may be the very people who will listen, assist and offer really good ideas and information. Teamwork happens in many ways. All kinds of people stepped in surprised us in wonderful ways throughout Ben’s illness, and they continue to do so. They have compensated for the people who disappointed us, because, of course, there’s that, too.  Knowing that Ben was in the hearts of many always touched me, and it still does. Never underestimate the power of compassion and always be open to delightful surprises.

2. Be careful of the undertow.

Finding Dory,Disney,ALS,Caregiving,Caregiver,Grief

Caregiving is overwhelming for so many reasons. Aside from the demands of the job, there is an emotional toll of helping someone you love deal with any disability or illness and watching them struggle. The “undertow” can take a caregiver and/or a caree to a place of extreme sadness, depression, loneliness and helplessness.  It’s important to stay connected to the outside world, through your own network of friends and relatives, outside agencies, and social media support groups. Make lists of things and/or people that provide comfort, cheer, or assistance when the undertow starts pulling you down.

3. “I’m OK with crazy”- Hank

Finding Dory,Disney,ALS,Caregiving,Caregiver,Grief

Illnesses are unpredictable and caregiving needs are unpredictable. Our moods are also unpredictable, particularly when we are stressed, exhausted and our Tangled emotions are turning us Inside Out (what can I say? Disney references work for me!) You have to be ok with crazy when many things are happening at the same time that you have many conflicting emotions. And, you have to be ok with crazy when attempting to handle crises. I remember thinking that crazy was my new normal. Perspective helps! So does humor.

4. Not everything is easy to do, but there is always another way.

Finding Dory,Disney,ALS,Caregiving,Caregiver,Grief

Creativity, resourcefulness and a good sense of humor can help to determine new approaches and perspectives on how to deal with issues. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

5. “News flash! Nobody’s fine!” – Hank

Finding Dory,Disney,ALS,Caregiving,Caregiver,Grief

In the most planned and organized day, there will be crises. They can be physical issues but they can also be emotional fallout. Caregivers and carees are not always at their best, though we would like to be. It seems to me that our default answer to “how is everything? “ is “fine” and I’ve found that most people kind of want that answer because they don’t know how to handle anything else. I have heard people with ALS and their caregivers says that it irritates them to be asked that question because people really don’t want an honest answer and they don’t want details. And, they don’t want to feel obligated to do anything, even if there is no expectation of that. It’s ok to admit that things aren’t fine. That admission should not invite any judgment. And, it doesn’t mean that things won’t be fine again, even in a matter of moments. Remember, Hank taught us that we’re ok with crazy!

6. An octopus may have 3 hearts, but it doesn’t mean it’s nice.

Finding Dory,Disney,ALS,Caregiving,Caregiver,Grief

Yes, it’s a fun fact, but it also lends perspective to our expectations of people around us. Ben and I were very fortunate to have lovely people around us, but we also learned that not everybody has a big heart, and having three probably would not have helped them either. Also, professionals are there to help, but, like all humans, there are more and less helpful and invested people. We were surprised in good and not so good ways.

7. Let someone know you love, care about and value them.

Finding Dory,Disney,ALS,Caregiving,Caregiver,Grief

Marlin often gotten frustrated with Dory, but he realized that in her innocence, she was fearless and she got him to do “crazy things” like jump jellyfish and outsmart sharks to help find Nemo. His approach to problem solving became asking himself what Dory would do.

In the film, Marlin apologizes to Dory for not having told her how much she did for him. That’s not a regret anyone wants to have. Take any opportunity to share kind and loving moments and memories.  The frustrations and resentments will ebb and flow, but the appreciation and love we have for each other should always flow.

8. “What is so great about plans?”- Dory

Finding Dory,Disney,ALS,Caregiving,Caregiver,Grief

We certainly need to have plans in place, and even back-up plans, but when you’re dealing with illnesses and caregivers, you’re also dealing with human beings and unpredictable factors.  For example, I prepared to go to work every day, but there were days that I had to stay home at the last minute for a variety of reasons. I remember that on some of those days, my feeling Ben’s very loving appreciation and his feeling my unwavering devotion, made for beautiful days. You know you have to be prepared for anything, but expect the unexpected in good ways, too.

9. You can do whatever you put your mind to.

Finding Dory,Disney,ALS,Caregiving,Caregiver,Grief

Dory may have suffered from “short-term remembery loss,” but she dove in and figured out what she needed to do to find her parents. She enlisted her friends to help her and remained determined. She didn’t give much thought to consequences, which did create some problems for her along the way. But, she forged ahead. Caregiving can be very overwhelming at times, in terms of the actual tasks and in thinking about the future. But, I always come back to Christopher Robin’s wise advice to Winnie-the-Pooh: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

10. Never underestimate the power of a cuddle party!

Finding Dory,Disney,ALS,Caregiving,Caregiver,Grief

I am kind of obsessed with river and sea otters, so those litter critters stole my heart in the film. But, they are a strong reminder that a little bit of whimsy, sweetness, and cuteness can lighten any moment. For Ben and me, that often came in the form of generally anything Disney. My huge collection of Disney toys to cuddle didn’t hurt either! I have added a couple of cute little otters to my collection. They all comfort me now in grief, too.

11. Sigourney Weaver rocks! You need someone like her on your side!

Finding Dory,Disney,ALS,Caregiving,Caregiver,Grief

Whether standing up to aliens or lending her voice to stand up for our marine life, she is a star! Sometimes I felt like that person for Ben, and at other times I felt completely inept. But I’m going to always keep reaching to be a rock star (well, maybe more of a Broadway show tunes or Disney star!)

All photos: Finding Dory, Pixar Animation Studios and Walt Disney Pictures, 2016

Walt Disney World’s Epcot, 2007, pre-ALS

 

When Life Gets You Down…

Just Keep Swimming, Dory, Finding Nemo

©2013 Disney•Pixar

For anyone who has reached their saturation point on Dory and Nemo this summer, I apologize (though I do question it!!). But, if you’re here on this blog, chances are you agree that Dory is one insightful sweetheart of a blue tang!

One day, I was playing the soundtrack to “Finding Nemo: The Musical,” (the show at Walt Disney World) and when I heard Dory sing, ” Trust that if you just keep swimming, just keep swimming, life isn’t all that grim,” it resonated in a whole new way. At times I felt completely overwhelmed by the amount of assistance Ben required within the limitations of our very small NYC apartment.  At times it was emotional- it was devastating to see Ben struggle to do things we all take for granted- use his fingers, his hands, his legs, swallow. ALS is a cruel disease. Sometimes my own  physical challenges in helping him became overwhelming- he needed to be transferred to and from bed and chairs, among other things. There were the times I had to call 911 for help. Thankfully, Ben did not get physically hurt during those incidents, but the emotional toll was painful. I broke my shoulder in 2012, and had been in physical therapy for more than 2 years with back problems, so at times we simply had to laugh at my unskilled and klutzy efforts to demonstrate physical strength.  I just had to remember to “just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”  Somehow, picturing Dory saying that was so much more motivating (and cuter!) than just trying to run a recording of  my own voice in my head.

I had to think fast, or at times not to think at all, but just dive into auto-pilot. This is not to say that I “kept swimming” in good cheer all the time. As incidents arose, sometimes through tears, I would get the job done. I had my breaking points, emotionally and physically, but I kept going. In retrospect, it kept Ben confident and comforted that I was reliable and devoted support, and it inspired me to try to stop thinking so much about worst case scenarios, because I seemed to just swim through them.

I had to go with the flow with my dad, too. He had cancer but was also elderly and living alone. He was very nervous about being ill.  We spoke on the phone many times every day. I took a train to see him at least every weekend, and would do his food shopping and take everything on the train when I visited.  I would go to his local store to pick up other things. During my free time at work, I called him to check in and remind and encourage him to eat. There were times that I would hang up the phone and just cry. But, when I could pull myself together, I would come up with a plan. It wasn’t always a great plan, and I sometimes felt like I was belly-flopping, but it kept us swimming.

In my grief, I also find that I have to just keep swimming. I have bad days and better days. I have indeed let the undertow drag me down at times. But, it has been nearly a year and I have managed to keep my head above water and not drown. (how am I doing with the swimming references?)  I have great friends and have participated in support groups where I have met lovely people with whom I am still in touch. Some of the amazing people who took care of Ben are still there for me, for which I am incredibly grateful. I now see more glimmers of good days. Dory had some great advice that has helped me to go with the flow as I adjust to and redefine my life.  I hope it helps you, too.

How are YOU doing?

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