Sometimes Grief Means Trying like Quasimodo
Welcome November. October is a bittersweet month for me. I love fall, I love Halloween, and it is my birthday month- all good things. Still, there are so many memories in these events that I do struggle. This year felt like a good time to try to make some shifts.
Halloween was a favorite time of year for Ben and me. We didn’t love to dress up, but we loved to go to Walt Disney World. We were like two little kids at Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party, where we went trick or treating and danced with our favorite Disney buddies. We delighted in the Boo To You parade.
When we were home in NYC, we went to a local street party, where a few blocks transformed townhouses and apartment buildings into magnificently decorated haunted houses and adorably costumed little children collected their treats.
I was grateful in 2019 to return to Walt Disney World for Halloween with my friends. It wasn’t the same, but we paid tribute to Ben and I created wonderful new memories and saw that I was adjusting to my coexistence with grief. (click here to see the post about this).
In more recent years, I have pushed myself to walk down the NYC block as the brownstones have begun to be decorated. It is always emotional, but I remember the joy. I take photos, especially those that I know Ben would like, especially because he loved to take photos as I do. It is possible that one day the tears will stop. I channel Quasimodo and take my steps towards the block saying, “Today is a good day to try.” I know that I am okay. Actually, the emotions let me reflect on my feelings, my growth (or not) and paths I might follow.
Since I lost Ben, one of my daily rituals has been to listen to my Ben playlist on my way to work. This is a list of songs that were meaningful to us for various reasons. Once I listen to that playlist, I choose any music that strikes my fancy. The important thing for me is that I start my day with our music, especially because music was so important to Ben.
This year, on Halloween, I made what felt like a very significant decision. Instead of our playlist, I played the Disney event soundtrack with the Halloween parade and Halloween music. Ben would have been playing this all day on Halloween. It felt right to play it.
Granted, this is still music deeply connected to Ben and to our relationship. Still, until this day, I would not have deviated from my daily ritual. I would have felt it was somehow disrespectful. For me, this slight shift was significant and noteworthy. It showed my ability to evolve and find ways to keep growing and frankly, living.
For me, when I feel that I want to challenge grief, I channel Quasimodo. In a recent post, I wrote about changing my laptop lock screen and background images, which have always been of Ben. I tried to live with my background being different. It didn’t work. Every night, I say goodnight to Ben, and not seeing his image was too unnerving to me. I decided to simply switch the images. Now, I have my otter image as my lock screen, the image that I see each time I tap the laptop or take it out of sleep mode. But, Ben is my background. I tried, and I did make progress, but I had to make it work for me. I didn’t discuss it with anyone. I’ve learned to listen to myself more. I even applaud myself when I try or I test myself.
I watch a lot of widows and widowers step forward in ways that I feel are faster and more adept than the way I slowly amble down paths. I remind myself that we all choose our own paths. With retirement approaching in just a few months, I am once again figuring out how to reshape my life. I certainly have my concerns, but I look forward to traveling more and to working on new projects, ranging from writing to working with caregivers. I also feel myself embracing the notion of finding- or making- room in my life for new romance. I see myself looking at making some small changes to my apartment. Right now, these are only internal dialogues without actual actions, but they are positive. Each day I remind myself that “Today is a good day to try.” When I find myself feeling a bit more ready, instead of chastising myself or worrying about how I am coping with where Ben belongs in my life, I prepare to take yet another step, and sometimes that means momentarily standing still and taking it all in, at my own pace.