Do The Emotions of Grief Turn You Inside Out?
Inside Out (2015) Walt Disney Pictures, Pixar Animation Studios
Disney Pixar’s Inside Out is a very clever and colorful story, meaningful to children and adults, which takes you into the headquarters of 11-year old Riley’s mind, where her emotions- Joy, Anger, Fear, Disgust and Sadness- vie for attention, with Joy trying to keep the other emotions in check. In caregiving and in grief, my emotions have been all over the place, often at the same time! After all, even on a regular day without any unusual circumstances, our emotions can run the gamut, right?
It has been two years since I lost Ben, and 3 1/2 years since I lost my dad, and I continue to feel a wide range of emotions. I probably always will. I read many comments from others in grief whom, after what they, or others, consider to be a reasonable amount of time, ranging from a matter of weeks to years, wonder if they should be less affected by the sadness. I have questioned my own grief and emotions, too, wondering if I was handling things “normally” and if should be having the setbacks I have. What I have found is that, although the highs and lows are difficult, I need to give myself time to just feel. Although I tend to bounce back more quickly now, setbacks happen. Conflicting emotions happen. In fact, they happened over the past few days.
I have been having some computer issues and decided on Thursday that I had to organize my files in order not to lose any data. I had to decide what files to put on each computer and on external drives. I am not naturally organized, so this is not an easy task. I have postponed this endeavor because I miss doing this kind of thing with Ben, who was a computer wiz, professionally and as a personal passion. I feel like I need a bigger hard drive, something Ben would have determined and resolved with ease. I am working around it, putting files on external disks and the Cloud. I’m frustrated and so sad. I finally had a complete meltdown, crying and telling Ben how much I missed him and how the computer things were no longer fun without him.
I trudged through and although I’m pretty sure I’m not setting things up efficiently, I’m working through it. I hired a great tech guy once before and I can do it again. But, of course, he’s not Ben. He doesn’t know how I think the way Ben did.
On Friday morning, I plugged my brand new flash drive into the television to watch a film. Instead of the film, suddenly and unexpectedly, Ben’s face filled the screen, accompanied by The Beatles’ In My Life, his favorite Beatles song. It was a video that my lovely and thoughtful friend Maria made just after Ben died, comprised of pictures of us. Unprepared to see it, I burst into tears, though I remembered each picture with love and even smiles. I was completely unnerved. I could have stopped the video, but I felt compelled to experience all of the emotions. As I’ve written before, sometimes it’s perfect to have a good cry.
The video that appeared on my television screen.
If that did not unnerve me enough, the next video began playing automatically. It was the portion of my dad’s funeral when the USMC folded the American flag and presented it to my brother, followed by them playing Taps. I had very mixed feelings about recording it, but Ben was very upset that he could not attend the funeral, and it meant a lot to him to watch the video as a show of respect and love for my dad.
I felt weak. Again, I could have turned off the video but I had to watch it. I heard myself crying on the video, echoed by my crying on my sofa. My dad would have been very honored by the ceremony, and, at least amidst my tears I felt a sense of pride that I was able to arrange this as part of his funeral. But, it was simply too much unexpected emotion.
I’m sure that those video files ended up on that new flash drive because I was transferring many files from one device to another. But, I do not remember putting any videos on that flash drive except for the movie I was going to watch. I certainly did not remember seeing and transferring those videos. Things like that come across to me as signs from my dad and Ben that they are with me. But, they are setbacks for me. All of the sadness and tears, along with the good memories, swell within me and turn me Inside Out. I know that there are people who feel that it’s been more than a couple of years since these losses and I should be able to deal with these moments better. Maybe they are right. But the losses were heartbreaking for me and will always be profoundly felt. Unanticipated events will always trigger sadness. But, the emotion is okay. In fact, I feel entitled to it. In my mind, it means I was fortunate enough to have love and relationships that were wonderful enough that I do miss them. The sadness, anger, fear and frustration of caregiving and ultimately, grief, are intermixed with the love, satisfaction and deep relationships that existed and grew throughout it and now, afterwards. Although I was shaken by the video footage, and I did cry, I was grateful for the visual reminder of the love that was there in good and bad times. This film clip from the Inside Out struck me because it showed that we can aim for joy, but it’s just not that simple, because our experiences are comprised of so many emotions and moments of significance, and sometimes joy arises from or coincides with anguish in unexpected ways.
The fact that I find these hard times to be setbacks means that I am not living in the grief, I’m just visiting with it from time to time. Emotions coexist within us and, I suppose they each need their moments in the spotlight, whether or not we are prepared to indulge them when they are triggered. Grief has its own timetable and we each journey through grief in our own way, at our own pace. Sometimes people are not patient with us, but we must be patient with and kind to ourselves.
I was afraid to go to sleep last night for fear that something would happen. Eventually, we both fell asleep. I awoke to her on the bed staring at me. She did not want to eat much of her breakfast, which has me concerned, but I will be in touch with her veterinarian. She definitely was not thrilled with all of the medications, but was very cooperative. She has been very cuddly and purring a lot, which is a good sign. As I’m writing this I am smiling, because although this is stressful, it is the normal with which I am most comfortable. This is who I am. And, for the first time, I’m feeling proud of it. Like Hank, I’m OK with crazy!
