In Grief, Do We Move Onward?

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Copyright © Disney Pixar 2020

I do not like the expression “moving on” with regard to my grief. To me, it implies leaving something behind. I have not left Ben behind. I am particularly sensitive to that as the five year anniversary of his “leaving” approaches.

I was not sure what to expect from Disney’s film, Onward. As it turned out, I thought it was an ambitious and sweet effort to approach the death of a parent, and death, in general. The story has good messaging that could be helpful to children. It was even validating to me. But, I still don’t like the title.

Onward tells the story of two elf brothers, Ian and Barley. They have lost their dad, but it appears that he died before Ian was born. The mom reminds them of how loved they were, pleased to see Ian wearing his dad’s sweatshirt. Ian so much wants to know about his dad. For his birthday, he has a list of things that will define him as the “new me,” and that list includes being like his dad, but he really doesn’t know what his dad was like. Barley has few memories of his dad that he does not seem to want to talk much about, and he finally admits that he felt bad that when his dad was in the hospital and had lots of tubes in him, Barley was too afraid to see him. Having lost that last chance to see his dad, from that point on, he vowed never to be afraid again.

Ian wants memories. He plays a tape recording of his dad talking, conversing with his dad as if it is an actual conversation and finding such comfort in hearing his dad’s voice. It’s a heartbreaking reminder that we can never bring back these experiences. I can relate to that feeling of trying to watch videos and put myself back in time to those moments. I am lucky that I have a lot of memories. I’m grateful that I was there for Ben during the bad ones. As a teacher, I have met many students who have lost a parent and do not have memories. Films like this show them that they are not alone. And, they tackle the material that can be hard for remaining parents to discuss, opening doors for discussion. For Day of the Dead, I show Coco in my Spanish classes, and I have had more than one student ask to watch it alone or with me during their lunch period, because it helped them to process their losses and they liked to talk with me about the comfort of feeling that their loved ones were still there for them on some level.

In Onward, the boys’ mom is the support and encouragement that the boys need. She recites a mantra that there’s a warrior inside as a reminder to herself. This is a mantra that could help anyone throughout their experiences in caregiving and in grief. She not only needs to help her sons in dangerous situations, but also in their grief. On Ian’s sixteenth birthday, their mom gives them a gift per their father’s wishes. Even mom makes a discovery about her late husband. He was a wizard! He leaves the boys with a special wizard’s staff and a spell that would bring him back for a day to see how they have grown up. Imagine such a spell! What I wouldn’t give for a day with Ben.  As it turns out, the spell gets messed up and they only bring back their dad’s legs and feet. They are determined to fix the spell to be able to spend the time with him. This leads to a series of mishaps. Oddly, after traversing the land in search of the missing gem to fix the spell, they end up exactly where they started. Such is grief. We go through all sorts of motions to make sense of loss and to allow ourselves to feel the person is still with us. In the end, we cannot recreate the person or the experiences. We find ourselves back at the pain of loss. However, the journey allows us to explore our memories, our emotions, and even to gain better understandings of others and ourselves.

During their adventures to bring back their dad, Ian sees that it’s Barley who has a lot to say to their dad. Barley misses the man he knew. Ian misses having and knowing his dad and realizes that Barley has been that father figure for him. All of the things Ian lamented not doing with his dad- laughing, learning to drive, taking walks- he actually did with Barley. Ian knows that Barley is the one who deeply needs to have those moments with their dad. He lets Barley have that last hug. I still wish for that hug. It’s gut-wrenching to acknowledge that this cannot really happen (unless I come across a wizard’s staff). If I thought I could, like both boys, I would fight for an opportunity to reunite with Ben to ask him questions and to hug him. Just like the boys, I would want to know that he is happy for and proud of me.

I often write about the signs I see that Ben is with me and how they console and inspire me. I also take comfort in revisiting our memories, especially through photos and videos. As I’ve been organizing my apartment this summer, my breath has been taken away as I’ve rediscovered cards, gifts, ticket stubs and other mementos of our time together. Navigating grief does sometimes feel like a quest, but I don’t see it as one in which I forge “onward” and triumphantly defeat grief. Instead, carrying in my heart deep love and memories, as well as the belief that Ben is with me, I humbly step forward in life.

Happy International Cat Day- Celebrating Cats, Pets and Caregivers

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Tiffany and Figaro

Today is International Cat Day. Sometimes, it’s hard to take all of these celebratory days seriously. Sometimes they are just fun. But, today, a day to celebrate my cats, is deeply felt time to honor my girls, Tiffany and Disney, whom I miss so much, and Tinker Bell, who, like the fairy for whom she’s named, has brought some real pixie dust into my life. In March, in honor of National Respect Your Cat Day, I wrote about the importance of pets throughout my life. At that time, we had no idea how long we would be dealing with COVID19. Now, as I have spent so much more time at home during the coronavirus pandemic, I am even more grateful for the company of Tinker Bell and reflective on the significance of pets in my life. I also think about how important it was to have my pets during caregiving days and grief.

Disney characters often have pets, and those characters are often the most reliable friends, filled with unconditional love and an ability to bring comfort, joy and laughter. Mickey Mouse has Pluto, Gepetto has Figaro and Cleo, Cinderella has Bruno and the mice, Prince Eric has Max, Jasmine has Rajah, Lilo has Stitch, the Darlings welcomed Lady, and Moana has Pua, and these are just some of the pets. Sure, they are cute to watch, and they add levity, but as I’ve gone through caregiving experiences and grief, I see them as more than just adorable sidekicks. As a pet lover, I recognize the power of their devotion and friendship. The pets, and even the forest friends of Snow White and Princess Aurora (Sleeping Beauty), are the ones with whom they share their hopes, dreams and worries. Pets help take away the loneliness and sadness. I think they’ve always won my heart because they conjure the lighthearted and sweet way that my own pets have helped me to delve into my emotions and feel hope and love. They also allowed me to fulfill my love of taking care of others, human and otherwise.

From the time I was a child, and our dogs became ill, we doted on them and cared for them. We grieved them when they left. When I was sad, I could always count on my pets to bring comfort. When they became ill, we were their caregivers and brought comfort to them. I suppose I learned a lot about caregiving watching my parents tend to our dogs as they aged and became ill, feeding them with syringes and carrying them up and down and in and out. Our lives revolved around them. We would have had it no other way.

My mom visited my great-aunt, Tanta Rosie, with our Standard Schnauzer, Dulcie, almost every day.

My dogs and cats also cared for me. After I lost my mom, our dog, Dulcie, was the one I turned to when I needed comfort from the tension and grief that pervaded my house and family. She then kept me company during my grandma’s battle with cancer. It was beautiful to see Dulcie stay by grandma’s side, bringing her comfort and peace. Dulcie may not have been able to communicate with words, but she clearly sensed that grandma was leaving this world and she shared our grief. When words eluded me, I could just sit with Dulcie and feel her devotion. When I simply needed distraction, she was always up for a game with her toys.

There’s a perception that cats are aloof, but my cats have always been very sensitive and attuned to me. They’ve known when I needed them and they know that I will be there for them. Tiffany may not have liked to be held, but she had her own way of showing affection, though definitely on her terms. She brought so much fun and comfort to my life, especially because she was the first pet who was only mine and my first cat. Also, Tiffany chose me. I was her human from the moment she entered my workplace, so there was no question she would go home with me when I got new job. When Tiffany had cancer and needed surgery, I did whatever needed to be done, and my dad helped me because he considered her family, too. It was an honor to be her mommy and her caregiver.

Tiffany loved our Disney toys!

When I lost Tiffany, Ben and I welcomed Disney, my cuddliest and sweetest girl. Poor Disney had the responsibility of being there for me when I was caring for my dad and Ben. Disney witnessed and experienced Ben’s ALS battle along with me. When Ben became homebound, she kept him company. She accommodated his loss of mobility, making it easier for him to reach and pet her and staying close by so he could see that she was watching over him. It was easy to see her concern as he had more difficulty navigating the space. Unlike many cats who are territorial, Disney seemed to know that there was a reason for all of the changes in our apartment. Furniture was moved, things were stacked, her favorite corners were no longer available, but Disney handled it so graciously. She was there for me when I needed her, too. She sensed if I was crying or frustrated and was always at my side at those moments.

 Disney was “Miss February” in the Bideawee calendar in 2011!

When Ben was in the hospice unit at Mount Sinai Medical Center, I was allowed to bring Disney to visit him. She was on thyroid meds and suffering from arthritis, so at first, she was not comfortable on the bed with him. She sat on a chair and watched him intently. When he asked me to bring her closer so he could stroke her, I put her on my lap and she pulled herself up on the bed, curling up on his chest. He asked me to put his hand on her, she turned on her side, and they both closed their eyes. I truly believe that they said their goodbyes in this moment.

Disney watched Ben throughout their visit in the hospice, even when he slept, as pictured here.

In truth, it was definitely an added responsibility to have a pet while being a caregiver. When I was with Ben in the hospital and did not want to leave his side, on top of everything that had to be handled with Ben, I had to make arrangements for a friend to feed Disney. There were a couple of times that I had to leave the hospital a bit early or arrive a bit later than usual in order to pick up her medications. But, these were things that Ben and I wove into our days and expectations. She was family and I was also caring for her. Those responsibilities were actually joyful.

Visiting hours for Disney during one of her hospital stays.

Disney did not know that she was the comfort that Ben and I needed after we lost Tiffany. She also became the comfort I needed after the loss of Ben. The apartment was so lonely and there was no more structure to my day without my hours spent at the hospital. I don’t know what I would have done without Disney’s sweet face and presence. Unfortunately, my caregiving structure was quickly restored when, just a couple of weeks after Ben died, I learned that Disney had diabetes and I had to inject her with insulin twice a day. Just as I had to do as Ben battled ALS, I had to put aside my squeamish nature. Once again, I was a caregiver, this time for Disney. We had several emergency visits to the vet, including one in the middle of the night, when I genuinely thought I would lose her. Terrifying as it was, it was this incident that showed me that I truly am a caregiver at heart. (You can read a little more about my experiences with Disney by clicking here) It is my strength and my fulfillment despite the challenges and sadness. Administering fluids was the next phase of Disney’s illness and although it took me a while to learn how to do it without pricking her, she handled it so well. I promised Disney and myself that I would never keep her here if she was not having a good quality of life. Eventually, I was by her side as I let her go. It was particularly difficult to let go of Disney because she was my closest connection to Ben. She may not have been able to articulate her feelings, but she saw, felt and responded to his ALS struggle and its effects on our family.

My cat, Disney, celebrating Mr. Walt’s birthday, along with Duffy (X 2) and Eeyore!

I knew that I could not be alone for long. Within a couple of weeks, I welcomed a new little love. Tiffany and Disney were more than eight years old when I met them, but this little girl was only two. She was half the size of them, which, in my way of thinking, was fairy-sized, so I named her Tinker Bell. I see Tiffany and Disney in her, but she still has a lot of kitten in her, so she makes me laugh with her antics. Ironically, Tiffany and Tinker Bell love all of my Disney plush toys, while Disney, despite her name, was less interested in them. She is a bit skittish around other people so they don’t see her gentle sweetness. Tinker Bell’s greatest joy is knowing that I am staying home with her, so the sheltering in place was a dream come true for her. I’m glad she doesn’t understand the news. Still, I can talk to her about my worries and enjoy having her companionship. I know she thinks she’s training me well, but I love making her happy.

Tinker Bell loves her new little Sully, which I brought her to remind her of Ben.

Having a pet is a big responsibility, which can be difficult when it is added to caregiving responsibilities. There are some logistics that can be downright challenging. While pets may not be able to tackle specific tasks in caregiving, any pet lover knows that they provide an incomparable service. It is a great joy and privilege to have a bond with a pet, and the care and love that we provide for each other is limitless. On International Cat Day and always, I celebrate Tinker Bell, Disney and Tiffany.

On Disney’s “Gotcha Day,” February 18, 2019 at NYC’s Meow Parlour