February 14, 2022

Finding the Pixie Dust On A Difficult Valentine’s Day

abby_admin ALS, Caregiver, Caregiving, Disney, Grief, Uncategorized 2 Comments

I have always loved Valentine’s Day. I have hand-made Valentine cards for as long as I can remember. My great-aunts and great-uncles, and of course my parents, aunt and grandma, saved all of them. As they’ve passed on, their collections of the cards I made for them made their way back to me through relatives so I would know that they were kept and treasured. Ben had his own collection, and I look at all of the cards from time to time and on days like this. I see them as testaments to the love we all had for each other. For my older relatives, my cards were the only fun mail they received and I was the person of my generation who always reached out to them. Crafts give me a sense of peace and inspiration, so instead of stopping the tradition, I decided to continue to tap my inner child with my card-making tradition, giving them to special people in my life.

I must admit that Valentine’s Day is bittersweet. As I posted yesterday, my dad passed away the day before Valentine’s Day in 2014. I spent Valentine’s Day that year making his funeral arrangements. My dad’s birthday is tomorrow. Ben’s birthday is the following week, followed by the anniversary of the death of my grandma.  

With Ben, our Valentine’s Day celebrations were often sweet and simple. Following his ALS progressed, after I put him to bed, I would make a card and decorate the apartment. He heard me rustling around (one of the downsides of being a klutz!) and knew that I was creating something for him, and he looked forward to his Valentine’s Day surprise. It added some whimsy to his homebound life and was a loving time. I do miss those special and romantic rituals. 

I reflected in yesterday’s post (click here for that post) that despite the sad dates that mark the month of February for me, and maybe because of them, I seize the opportunity to celebrate love on Valentine’s Day. Making cards for my friends is so important to me because it is a positive, creative and fun tradition in which I reach out to my treasured friends to let me know how much I value them and also remind myself of how much love there is in my life.

Last year on Valentine’s Day, my beloved aunt Eleanor died after many years with Alzheimer’s Disease. She had not been verbal or recognized me in quite a while, but I was not able to visit her due to COVID and lamented that we would not have our Valentine’s Day visit. She always held the cards and smiled as she touched the picture of my cat that always is featured on the card. Ellie and I had a special bond and even when she could not recall my name or who I was in her life, I could make her laugh and we seemed to relate to each other as we did throughout my life.

I am currently on a leave of absence from teaching due to surgery and treatments, and I miss sharing the Valentine’s Day experience with my students. I believe in sharing love and appreciation with my students. I teach them some love phrases in Spanish and bring a bevvy of stickers and glitter glue for them to make Valentine’s. They do respond with smiles, creativity and love. Being teenagers, most are concerned with romantic love, and lament the lack, or the drama, of it. They know that I lost Ben and they are always intrigued by my enthusiasm for this holiday. I see that it resonates when I say love comes in many different ways, even in my love for them. I have been delighted to receive some Valentines from them, too! I like to think the life lessons on kindness stay with them.

The holiday is definitely different now, and, honestly, not as happy, but it does give me joy to take a positive action to show my love and appreciation for special people, in my craftsy way, and to share a special tradition that keeps Ben, my parents, grandma and great-aunts and great-uncles close. It lets me summon the Disney princesses and the hope that I will one day meet a new prince.

If you are struggling on Valentine’s Day, here are some thoughts and ideas:

If you are in grief, or are a caregiver grieving the life and relationships you used to have, this is a good day to focus on the love and caring that surround you. These are times that we can feel lonely, and alone. In many cases, friendships change and there is alienation. Frankly, it can be hard to think of love. The challenge is thinking of the littlest gestures that stay in your heart. The kindness of someone on the medical team, patience shown to you, a memory that brings a smile, a smile that you brought to your caree. On days like this, when it’s easy to feel sad, I find myself hearing Walt Disney say, “The more you are in a state of gratitude, the more you will attract things to be grateful for.” It might feel phony at first, but there are many loving moments for which to be grateful. If you’re craftsy, make a card for someone. Email a card, send an ecard. Let someone know that you appreciate them. Many of us have experienced people who want to be supportive but do not know how. Receiving correspondence from you might encourage them to reach out more regularly. Write a love note to your caree or to the person you have lost sharing loving memories. You do not have to share these letters. If you follow my blog, you will notice that some of my posts are letters to Ben. They are helpful forms of self-care. Click here for an example from the most recent anniversary of his passing.

I am grateful and feel appreciation for the many former and current caregivers I have met for sharing your stories and your hearts. Tinker Bell and I wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day filled with love and friendship, and a sprinkling of pixie dust!