Lady And The Tramp and The Hunchback of Notre Dame- Lessons on Cherishing Memories and Living Life

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Today is the 70th anniversary of the release of Disney’s Lady and the Tramp. It was always a favorite of Ben’s and mine. We actually loved to sing the “Siamese Cat Song” which, I know is now understandably considered politically incorrect but which still holds fun memories because of the cats and their mischief; in fact, I used to sing it to my first cat, Tiffany (but she preferred “Born Free,” to which she actually meowed along!)

A poignant quote came from Tramp to Lady, when he told her, “Aw, come on, kid. Start building some memories.” I am always drawn to quotes about memories. Just last week I wrote about my memories about my Aunt Eleanor. Memories played such an important part of our lives when Ben was fighting his battle against ALS. They became increasingly significant to Ben, particularly as he became more homebound. He loved to look at our photos and videos from Walt Disney World and to listen to the theme park music soundtracks. We could do that for hours. It was my motivation for designing the photo calendars, throw, shower curtain and towel (click here to read more about them)– Ben was surrounded by our photos everywhere in our home. It’s nearly three years since he’s left and I remain surrounded by those things. They are a comfort for the memories the photos hold and for my memory of the happiness that I gave to Ben with those gifts.

A plate with an apple and a drawing on it AI-generated content may be incorrect.
Dessert at Tony’s Town Square
Restaurant- The Lady and the Tramp-themed restaurant at Walt DisneyWorld. The
Lady and the Tramp drawings were done with caramel- pretty fabulous!

We were so fortunate to be able to visit Walt Disney World four times after Ben’s ALS diagnosis. Each time, we tried to recreate our favorite memories, attending our favorite shows and visiting our favorite attractions. We did, at times, lament the attractions that Ben could no longer ride. But, we laughed that we could take the “It’s a Small World” boat repeatedly because there was never a long line and we got a boat to ourselves. Ben’s attitude was amazing. He focused on what he COULD do and, thanks to the amazing Disney cast members, we could do almost everything.

Recreating memories was, however, a tricky endeavor. Given Ben’s physical changes, it had the potential to be incredibly fun or incredibly sad. However, we were so grateful to be able to return to a place that was so important and filled with joyful memories. At Walt Disney World, we were distracted by the excitement and caught up in the fantasy. Ben loved and frequently commented about that. Once home, when Ben looked at photos, he scrutinized how he looked and how his abilities had diminished from visit to visit. For me, looking at photos is sometimes filled with splitting my world into pre-ALS and post-ALS distinctions and observations. Still, more than the physical changes, I see the joy on his face.

Our final visit to Walt Disney World in 2014 was uniquely memorable, not only because we were not sure that we would ever get there again, but also because it was filled with the creation of new memories. Frankly, I was worried that Ben would be disheartened at not being able to do a lot of the things that we used to do. Also, he could not eat many foods, so going to the restaurants that we always loved might have been an upsetting experience. So, I organized several surprises- new and different  events that gave us the opportunity to create new memories. My plan was a resounding success, which makes me so proud and grateful. I wrote about our visit in a prior post, which you can see by clicking here.

A group of people kissing a stuffed animal AI-generated content may be incorrect.
Walt Disney World 2002, the
pre-ALS days. We didn’t kiss over spaghetti, but we did kiss Eeyore!

Ben and I had 16 years and a dozen visits to Walt Disney World, all filled with wonderful memories. When I was the caregiver of my dad and Ben, those memories sustained me and took me from one Walt Disney World visit to the hope of another, and I lived vicariously through my friends, reading about their adventures on Facebook and occasionally, and proudly, posting photos of Ben and me at Walt Disney World or out in our neighborhood when he was still able to ride his scooter. Our friends did like to see him out in the world. I immersed myself in those memories for a long time after Ben died. I know that some people have thought that this blog is a way that I stay hidden in those memories and in the past, but the perspective I gain and thoughts shared with other caregivers in this writing process lead me forward. It is also my hope that they offer tools and perspective to other caregivers.

Coincidentally, as I reflect on the importance of my memories, I realize that today is also the 29th anniversary of the release of Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I think about what the gargoyle, Laverne, told Quasimodo: “Life is not a spectator sport. If watching is all you’re gonna do, you’re gonna watch your life go by without ya’.” This quote holds an important message for me. I think that one of the most difficult things for me after I lost my dad and Ben was when people told me it was time for me or time to take care of myself. For one thing, I don’t really like to put the spotlight on myself. It was particularly difficult to go out and be distracted and even feel somewhat happy, just to return to an empty apartment and reminded of the loss and alone-ness, as well as guilt for even trying to enjoy myself. I preferred to put my energy into helping Ben relive and create new memories and, after he left this world, I took pride and comfort in thinking about those memories. The truth is that I will always love to visit with my memories of Ben, the good and bad times. But, I learned that my memories don’t have to end there. I now delve into new adventures that become a part of my treasure trove of beautiful memories. I do not have to live vicariously through other people.

Cartoon characters hugging each other AI-generated content may be incorrect.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
1996 Walt Disney Pictures

A sadness looms over my summers because they represent the most difficult times in Ben’s battle, and ultimately when he succumbed to ALS. However, I proactively make plans to do things I love: travel to see my friends, take part in some animal adventures, do some volunteer work, and continue to work on my blog and manuscripts while formulating new ways to reach out to caregivers.

Although sometimes I do prefer to be a spectator in life and to get caught in fantasies of what I think I would like my life to look like, I don’t want my life to go by without me. It helps me to  find peace in the knowledge that Ben’s spirit will always accompany me as I follow my life’s paths, make some dreams come true and make new memories.

A collage of pictures of people in clothing AI-generated content may be incorrect.
My photo collage calendar filled
with wonderful memories and new events that will bring new memories. where Ben
will be present in my heart

#ALS #Grief #LadyandtheTramp #Disney #Memories

How Does a Moment Last Forever?

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Aunt Eleanor

I retired from teaching at the end of January, so I suppose it stands to reason that I am reminiscing, reflecting, and once again, reshaping my life. Taking an intensive kidlit poetry class certainly gave me an opportunity to sort through my thoughts in a creative way. In fact, a previous post included a poem that I wrote to mark Ben’s birthday (click here for that post).

Now retired, here I am with the freedom to pursue my own dreams and goals. I write, walk in Central Park, go to the theater, see friends, have spontaneous outings. I recently returned from a fantastic river cruise to the Netherlands. I am grateful for all the lovely experiences.

At this rather introspective time, the song that seems to keep playing in my mind is How Does A Moment Last Forever? from Disney’s live action Beauty and the Beast (2017).

I have come to realize I live my life in the way described in these lyrics.

How does a moment last forever?
How can a story never die?
It is love we must hold onto
Never easy, but we try
Sometimes our happiness is captured
Somehow, a time and place stand still
Love lives on inside our hearts and always will.

In so much I do, I find that I feel and am motivated by moments that filled me with love and remind me of the people I have lost and loved. I have been fascinated with the Netherlands, which I knew as a child only as Holland, from the time that my aunt Eleanor brought me a little doll from there. While I was in the Netherlands, aunt Ellie was often my guiding light. Since today is would be her birthday, and June is Alzheimer’s and Brain Awareness Month, this is a perfect time to highlight her influence on my life. I have summed it up in this poem, entitled Footsteps.

When I was a child, I found everything about Ellie exciting- she spoke Spanish (and some French, too), she traveled on airplanes, she took me into New York City. At one point, she took a sabbatical and traveled all over Europe for a year. I don’t distinctly remember her being away, but I remember the photographs she took. She also brought me dolls from many countries she visited. I still have most of that collection. For a while, we shared a room, but then she moved into New York City. The city scared me when I was young- too loud, too crowded, too much. But, Eleanor made the city not only accessible, but intriguing and fun. We went to shows, museums, and the Central Park Zoo. To this day, if I am in the park and it is near the stroke of an hour, I wait to watch the animals dance to the music of the Delacorte Clock. And, I always think of Ellie. I took this video not long ago.

My dad had a subscription to National Geographic Magazine, and he instilled in me a fascination with the world. He even gifted me the children’s edition of that magazine and I saved a few of my favorite issues, including, not surprisingly, the opening of Walt Disney World. But, Ellie traveled and SAW the world. I couldn’t wait to learn Spanish and to travel. My mom and I accompanied Ellie and a few of her students to Mexico when I was in the eighth grade. It was my first time on an airplane. I only had one year of Spanish behind me but I was eager to meet new people and try to communicate. Just like Ellie.

I love this glamorous picture of Eleanor.

Ellie took me to my first book signing for an artist I’d never heard of- Erté- but it was so exciting to meet him, feel Ellie’s delight, and discover his beautiful work. That has led to a lifelong love of collecting signed books and meeting authors and other artists. When she could not get out as often due to Alzheimer’s disease, I continued to go to signings for her, bringing her signed books and CDs. I probably did that as much for myself, to hold dear as much as I could of our relationship. Still, I have an ever-growing collection of signed books. And, I’m writing books, too. I know she would love that.

This is a book by one of my favorites, Wendy Wasserstein. It is about a little girl who loves her aunt Louise, who takes her to her first musical. At the signing, I purchased a book for Eleanor, and I told Wendy that she was that aunt for me. Wendy inscribed the book, “To Eleanor, who IS Aunt Louise.” I don’t have that book- don’t ask.

As Alzheimer’s seized more and more of Ellie’s memory, I had to hold onto my own memories of our time. For a long time, I continued to take her to the theater because it was a love that we shared. I was trying to hold onto the memories and the love attached to them. One of my funny memories was taking her to see a Yiddish production where, at intermission, they distributed pickles from barrels, just as in the old days on NYC’s Lower East Side. The next day, she had completely forgotten the show and being with me, but she told people that she had eaten delicious pickles. They didn’t believe her but when it was casually mentioned to me as an anecdote about what was happening to her mind, I confirmed it. As is often the case, the memory of the pickles was something that reached way back in her past. The not so funny memories were of returning home from a day at the theater with her to a frantic voicemail asking if we were going to see each other that same day. I was able to reason that at least she enjoyed the experiences in the moment. I stopped these outings when they became stressful and unenjoyable for both of us.

This was Eleanor’s playbill from the original run of The King and I. She and I went to one of Yul Brynner’s final performances in New York, when he was too ill to perform a few numbers. It was an unforgettable experience.

Even though Eleanor would get lost somewhere in every conversation, I could conjure the past for her. She had been a Spanish teacher and for quite a while she retained her knowledge of Spanish, and even of her lesson plans. We looked at the photos of her travels that captivated me as a child and when I would ask her where she was in a particular photograph, she sometimes laughed and said, “Y’know, I ask myself that question every day.” I admired that she kept her sense of humor about what was happening until it was beyond her grasp.

Religion and family were areas of conflict between us. Eleanor was dutiful without limits, but I had more boundaries and due circumstances regarding religion and other events, I put a distance between myself and some family members. Eleanor could not understand this and it led to tension at times. Scars remained, though none of that mattered when I visited her as her Alzheimer’s progressed. She did not remember my name, she did not remember our actual relationship, but as I like to describe it, I know that I was floating around in her mind. I could still make her laugh and for a long time, her eyes twinkled when she saw me. Alzheimer’s disease could not steal our love. It’s just like the lyrics to the song.

To celebrate my retirement, I treated myself to a holiday abroad. I was always delighted by the Delft pieces that Ellie brought back from the Netherlands. I loved the little clogs on my doll. I had often heard and seen pictures of the tulips in springtime. It didn’t take long to choose that as my destination. I had never been on a group tour, nor had I been on any kind of cruise. I never wanted to go on an ocean cruise- I would much prefer to be ambling around quaint towns than being stuck on the water in a floating hotel. But, I was assured that the river cruise would be different. Indeed, the canals and waterways were a vital part of the history and development of the Netherlands. And, it was beautiful. I could always see the land, and even observed people clamming, boating, and otherwise living a life so different from my own.

While I generally expect to feel the presence of Ben and my dad, who, of course, were with me, this holiday was about Eleanor. I felt like I was often looking through her eyes, seeing the way she would have seen. I look a little like Ellie, and we have many of the same mannerisms, which I often noted when I was teaching. I felt her presence and all that we did share while I was in the Netherlands, particularly in the very charming little towns. We both would have delighted in the Delft, the tulips, the architecture, the cafes, and taking pictures of windows and doors and other obscure but delightful objects. Since we generally clashed on topics related to religion, I felt like she joined me with pride on my visit to Anne Frank’s house (actually, this site transcends religion and should be visited by everyone). I was moved by all the stories I heard about World War II and the Nazi occupation, but I think especially so because I was thinking about how much Ellie would have focused on them. Although I have never felt deeply connected to being Jewish, this experience did weave a thread to Eleanor’s own deep connection. As an aside, today also happens to mark Anne Frank’s birthday.

The very decorated shoe is the one Eleanor brought back, along with the tiny wooden shoes. The little boy doll did not make it through my adulthood. I added the Miffy shoe, the squirrel and penguin. Also, I found it so intriguing that the Christmas tree ornament with the windmill was in the shape of a Jewish star. The salesperson had no idea if it was intentional, but I like to think that it was.
The two outer plates were brought back by Eleanor from Delft. They hung in our kitchen and I was attached to them. I found the Schnauzer plate here in NYC and loved the Delft look so we added it. The Pez dispensers and other cuties- all mine.

I came home with some Delft pieces that I placed next to the Delft pieces from Ellie’s collection. I also brought back some Delft Christmas tree ornaments, which I’m sure she  wouldn’t have appreciated, but that’s ok. We had our differences and I think it’s fair and important to acknowledge them. I realize that in so much I did, the way that I observed, and what I chose to bring home with me, I am making the moments last forever and holding onto the love. I hope you do, too.

Happy birthday, Eleanor. You are missed, loved, and honored.

Ellie and I at one of my birthday parties

#Alzheimer’s #Grief #Memories