Gratitude For That Special Place In My Heart
Thanksgiving has passed and I appreciate the opportunity to contemplate the things for which I’m grateful. I believe Walt Disney was right when he said, “The more you are in a state of gratitude, the more you will attract things to be grateful for.” Conveying and feeling gratitude is important to me. Family holidays like Thanksgiving can be difficult for me because I lost the family members who were most important to me- Ben, my mom, dad, grandma, and aunt Eleanor. After their losses, there were a couple of Thanksgivings when I chose to stay home by myself because I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. Also, I struggled when I returned home from any kind of social activity because I felt particularly lonely and alone. I needed time to work through the grief and accept that it’s okay to enjoy my holidays and any time with my fantastic chosen family of friends.
I recently spent about two weeks in England. I have been there many times and it is the destination where I feel most at home. I love the scale of the city, the history that lives on every street, the theater, the shopping, teatime, the way the British speak— their accent and extensive and thoughtful use vocabulary. Now, I can add magnificent Christmas lights and decorations to the list! One of the reasons I chose to visit in November was to see the holiday displays and they did not disappoint. And, I even met some very adorable squirrels who were happy to take some almonds right from my hand! Maybe my Central Park buddies alerted them to my arrival!
Many years ago, my mom joined me in London when I studied there during the summer. My mom was most excited about finding Paddington Bear statues and visiting the store. She loved that little bear, probably as much as Mickey Mouse. At that time, it was quite a trek from Paddington Station to the store. Now, the store is right in the station, along with a statue of Paddington. When my flight arrived at Heathrow Airport, I took the express train to Paddington Station. I immediately located the Paddington statue and asked someone to take my photo. I went to the Paddington store and recalled how Mommy wanted everything she saw. I still have several, if not all, the things she chose. And, because she truly was adorable, I remember how the storekeeper saw me taking her picture and brought a Paddington bear for Mommy to hold in the photo. I liked revisiting my memories with my mom especially because London was only ours.
A new show just opened at the Savoy Theatre called Paddington: The Musical. I had low expectations, but I knew that it was something my mom would have wanted to do and we would have had a fun time, so I got a ticket. I even got a marmalade sandwich— the special snack at the theater— because I knew my mom would have gotten such a kick out of it. As luck would have it, the show was absolutely fantastic. Funny, sweet, touching, energetic- I wished my mom could have seen it and although I try not to get caught up in how cheated of time we were, it does sting, even after more than thirty years.
This time, I also met in person Emma and Robynn, two British women who are in my virtual picture book writing groups. How lovely that they took the time to come into London to spend time with me and what a delightful and fun time we had. We went to “The Paddington Experience,” which was an immersive experience where you join the Brown family through a series of activities. It’s cleverly designed and we jumped into the interactive fun, including a Conga line with the “train conductor.” My mom would have been completely in her element and I did shed a few tears along the way thinking of her. I’m grateful to have been able to share the experience with new friends and to give them a glimpse into my mom.
The most special part of being in England is visiting my longtime friends, Penny and Jeremy. I treasure the time I spend with them and appreciate that they always open their home and hearts to me. I have seen their babies grow up, now married and having babies of their own, and our relationships have blossomed. I feel fortunate and grateful to have all of them in my life.
My mom joined me on this holiday and although I missed her physical presence, I felt her nearby and was comforted by the time with her and our memories. I also liked the feeling that she was still along for my current journey.
I have had to make peace with the reality that my mom and the others have left this world, but I know that they travel everywhere with me in my heart. I am always grateful for heartwarming, if not bittersweet, memories. I like to think that being in a state of gratitude helps me to keep moving forward with an open heart, curiosity, and hope. I can revisit special places but I also create my own new memories. Maybe that’s what helped me to recognize that although at this time of year the air can feel heavy with the weight of their losses, my loved ones fill my heart and my world is rich with love, growth, and positivity. I’m grateful for all of it.