Learning about this anniversary brought a big smile to my face, as I remembered how much Ben enjoyed Epcot, and how much fun we had there together. I consider it a gift that, in the face of difficult memories of ALS, our experiences at Epcot were so positive and full of joy.
After Ben’s diagnosis, we splurged and stayed at the Boardwalk Inn, because it was the hotel that always impressed us when we strolled the Boardwalk, and we never knew which visit would be our last. As it turned out, the Boardwalk was a perfect location, because Ben could easily scoot to the back entrance of Epcot by the World Pavilions, which he absolutely loved. The World Pavilions have less attractions requiring transfers, so he had the freedom to ride around in his electric wheelchair. As I’ve written in my post about our visits to Walt Disney World, another highlight of Epcot was that during the Food and Wine Festival, we could try a variety of foods from the kiosks and then find a discreet place to sit where I could feed him and we could take as long as needed.
We met Mickey and many of his friends, laughed with Crush, and Ben played the air guitar along with the bands he loved to listen to.
I will always be grateful for the good memories of our time at Epcot, and for the kindness and graciousness with which the Disney cast members accommodated and welcomed Ben.
Thank you, Epcot, and may your anniversaries continue to infinity and beyond!
Here are some favorite memories from visits to Epcot. They range from our carefree, pre-ALS days to our last visit in 2014. You can see some of the physical effects of ALS on Ben, but his attitude was always great!
I took this in “Mexico” during our first visit together to Walt Disney World, in 2001, when there were no thoughts of ALS or physical limitations.
Fun times pre-ALS, 2006
2006
2006
This was Ben’s first excursion in the scooter, May 2010
Epcot shopping in the rain in our matching Mickey and Minnie rain ponchos! May 2010
October 2011
Ben needed a cane but he walked to Mickey! 2012
July 2014. Things were harder to do, but Ben was still smiling! Below: air guitar at the England Pavilion. He always looked forward to hearing the live bands, and was especially thrilled when they played The Beatles!
Mary Poppins is my favorite nanny, and extra special because Mary Poppins was the first movie I ever saw in a theater. While her “spoonful of sugar” certainly held the pixie dust to make the medicine go down smoothly, here is a list of some other practical supplies that should be found every caregiver’s closet.
I originally prepared the following article for Parentgiving.com
How to Stock Your Caregiving Closet By Abby Kass, Parentgiving contributor
Given the demands of caregiving and the possibility of urgent situations that make running errands impossible, family caregivers can benefit from keeping a cadre of supplies on hand for themselves and their carees. There are a lot of potential home care situations to be ready for, and you never want to be caught off guard. Having the right caregiving supplies will keep you prepared and can save a sudden panic if you don’t have an urgent item and can’t make it to the store right away.
To help others with what to store in their caregiving supply closet, I have created a list of items I used when I cared for my dad, who had cancer, and for my husband, who had ALS. I’ve also included item suggestions from family caregivers who cared for individuals with a wide variety of needs. Peruse this list and see what relates to your experience – and what may currently be missing from your shelves. Depending on the item and frequency of use, you may want to have at least one- or two-month supplies on hand.
Keep the following documents in a clearly marked envelope in your supply closet:
A written or typed list of meds, including dosages, times to administer and special instructions.
Important contact names and numbers (including physicians and the pharmacy) as well as important documents such as the health care proxy, living will or special directives.
This information is essential on multiple levels. If gives you something to look at if you ever have a memory lapse, and it will also be there if someone else suddenly has to step in and provide care.
General Supplies
Small dry erase boards for lists and notes to and from the family caregiver, the hired caregiver and other family members.
Post-it notes to indicate dosages, preferences and reminders. Also good for sweet nothings!
Paper towels
Tissues
First aid kit
Non-stick bandages to avoid a bandage sticking to aging skin, which becomes paper-thin and fragile.
Gauze in various sizes and shapes. You can wrap the gauze around non-stick bandage and add tape over the gauze to ensure the bandage covers the wound.
Since today, October 1, marks the 82nd birthday of Julie Andrews, I will devote this post to Mary Poppins, the consummate nanny who taught me many things about caregiving. “Mary Poppins” was the first movie I saw in a theater and it remains a favorite, as does Julie Andrews.
A kind yet stern and always magical nanny, Mary Poppins added whimsy to life while addressing all of its practicalities and mishaps. She got Jane and Michael Banks to use their imaginations and see beyond the confines of their nursery. They were safe in her care, learned the importance of rules but also how to challenge them, and, because she knew just how to step in, they built and strengthened relationship with their father. She knew how to meet the needs of the Banks family better than they did. Now that’s what I call a great caregiver!
Here are ten lessons about caregiving that I learned from Mary Poppins:
“In every job that must be done there is an element of fun.”
There were days where there was nothing fun in the actual tasks required in Ben’s care due to ALS. But, those silly moments that made us laugh amidst the sadness are the ones that still stand out.
“Worrying won’t help anyone.”
Even as a worrier, I know it’s true. It doesn’t help. But, if it helps you to picture worse case scenarios and create plans if necessary, go for it. Just don’t dwell! Trust Mary Poppins. It doesn’t help.
“Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, in the most delightful way!”
Lyrics to live by! I was there for a reason, and that reason was love and compassion. There’s the sugar. It made the awful, embarrassing tasks “swallowable.”
Click to play:
“Never judge things by their appearance…even carpetbags. I’m sure I never do.”
Because a person needs a caregiver does not mean they become irrelevant. When people would come to see Ben and talk to me as if he wasn’t there, I would redirect them to include him in the conversation, even if I had to explain what he was saying as his speech became more impaired. His brain was still very active. He mattered. I did not let anyone make assumptions about his capabilities or ideas. Always let the person know they matter. Because they do.
The same goes for people who judged our relationship. Whatever people thought of me, or of Ben, and our caregiving situation, we were the only two who were actually in our relationship for sixteen years. In any caregiving situation, particularly within a family, there are dynamics that only those involved can really understand. You can have opinions, but tread gingerly when it comes to offering advice, even if it is requested.
Sometimes a little thing can be quite important.
A smile, a thank you, a kiss, remembering something special. I’ve written about how Ben and my relationship felt like it shifted from husband and wife to patient and caregiver. It was in little things like holding hands, sharing memories, or “inside jokes” that we were brought back to who we really were as a couple before ALS.
Best foot forward. Spit spot.
It’s all you can do. And, when you’re dealing with a lot of crises, you can’t take a lot of time to ponder. As I’ve said in prior posts, I often had to “just keep swimming,” even though I belly-flopped, but I always put my best foot (or fin?) forward!
Let’s go fly a kite
All at once you’re lighter than air You can dance on the breeze Over houses and trees With your fist holding tight To the string of your kite
OK, we couldn’t really do that. But, we had to maintain a sense of fantasy and whimsy that could take us outside of our reality, at least for a few moments. The trips we took to Walt Disney World were always magical, and they took on a special meaning after his diagnosis. Those trips were the kite that took us briefly away from reality. Now, I can look back on those memories with gratitude and a bittersweet delight.
It’s a jolly ‘oliday with Mary
Oh, it’s a jolly ‘oliday with Mary Mary makes your ‘eart so light! When the day is gray and ordinary Mary makes the sun shine bright!
Ben teased me that I loved to use the word “whimsical.” But, I enjoyed bringing whimsy into his homebound life. I often arrived home with shopping bags of “treats”- new tshirts for his collection, a gadget that I thought might help him, a new ingredient for our culinary adventures into pureed concoctions. It always made him smile and laugh. That made the “sun shine bright” for both of us!
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius
It’s a great word. Covers a lot of territory. It especially made me chuckle to myself when a bevy of not such nice words were going through my head! Try it.
Click to play:
“Mary Poppins. Practically perfect in every way.”
I tried, and often beat myself up too much for feeling that I was not a good enough caregiver. It’s a great goal, and always important to remember that we all define “perfect” differently, and that the definition may vary by circumstance. I hope that, at least at times, I was Ben’s Mary Poppins.
Happy Birthday, Julie Andrews! Thank you for all of the joy you’re brought!
All photos: Mary Poppins (1964), Walt Disney Productions.
Inside Out (2015) Walt Disney Pictures, Pixar Animation Studios
Disney Pixar’s Inside Out is a very clever and colorful story, meaningful to children and adults, which takes you into the headquarters of 11-year old Riley’s mind, where her emotions- Joy, Anger, Fear, Disgust and Sadness- vie for attention, with Joy trying to keep the other emotions in check. In caregiving and in grief, my emotions have been all over the place, often at the same time! After all, even on a regular day without any unusual circumstances, our emotions can run the gamut, right?
It has been two years since I lost Ben, and 3 1/2 years since I lost my dad, and I continue to feel a wide range of emotions. I probably always will. I read many comments from others in grief whom, after what they, or others, consider to be a reasonable amount of time, ranging from a matter of weeks to years, wonder if they should be less affected by the sadness. I have questioned my own grief and emotions, too, wondering if I was handling things “normally” and if should be having the setbacks I have. What I have found is that, although the highs and lows are difficult, I need to give myself time to just feel. Although I tend to bounce back more quickly now, setbacks happen. Conflicting emotions happen. In fact, they happened over the past few days.
I have been having some computer issues and decided on Thursday that I had to organize my files in order not to lose any data. I had to decide what files to put on each computer and on external drives. I am not naturally organized, so this is not an easy task. I have postponed this endeavor because I miss doing this kind of thing with Ben, who was a computer wiz, professionally and as a personal passion. I feel like I need a bigger hard drive, something Ben would have determined and resolved with ease. I am working around it, putting files on external disks and the Cloud. I’m frustrated and so sad. I finally had a complete meltdown, crying and telling Ben how much I missed him and how the computer things were no longer fun without him.
I trudged through and although I’m pretty sure I’m not setting things up efficiently, I’m working through it. I hired a great tech guy once before and I can do it again. But, of course, he’s not Ben. He doesn’t know how I think the way Ben did.
On Friday morning, I plugged my brand new flash drive into the television to watch a film. Instead of the film, suddenly and unexpectedly, Ben’s face filled the screen, accompanied by The Beatles’ In My Life, his favorite Beatles song. It was a video that my lovely and thoughtful friend Maria made just after Ben died, comprised of pictures of us. Unprepared to see it, I burst into tears, though I remembered each picture with love and even smiles. I was completely unnerved. I could have stopped the video, but I felt compelled to experience all of the emotions. As I’ve written before, sometimes it’s perfect to have a good cry.
The video that appeared on my television screen.
If that did not unnerve me enough, the next video began playing automatically. It was the portion of my dad’s funeral when the USMC folded the American flag and presented it to my brother, followed by them playing Taps. I had very mixed feelings about recording it, but Ben was very upset that he could not attend the funeral, and it meant a lot to him to watch the video as a show of respect and love for my dad.
I felt weak. Again, I could have turned off the video but I had to watch it. I heard myself crying on the video, echoed by my crying on my sofa. My dad would have been very honored by the ceremony, and, at least amidst my tears I felt a sense of pride that I was able to arrange this as part of his funeral. But, it was simply too much unexpected emotion.
I’m sure that those video files ended up on that new flash drive because I was transferring many files from one device to another. But, I do not remember putting any videos on that flash drive except for the movie I was going to watch. I certainly did not remember seeing and transferring those videos. Things like that come across to me as signs from my dad and Ben that they are with me. But, they are setbacks for me. All of the sadness and tears, along with the good memories, swell within me and turn me Inside Out. I know that there are people who feel that it’s been more than a couple of years since these losses and I should be able to deal with these moments better. Maybe they are right. But the losses were heartbreaking for me and will always be profoundly felt. Unanticipated events will always trigger sadness. But, the emotion is okay. In fact, I feel entitled to it. In my mind, it means I was fortunate enough to have love and relationships that were wonderful enough that I do miss them. The sadness, anger, fear and frustration of caregiving and ultimately, grief, are intermixed with the love, satisfaction and deep relationships that existed and grew throughout it and now, afterwards. Although I was shaken by the video footage, and I did cry, I was grateful for the visual reminder of the love that was there in good and bad times. This film clip from the Inside Out struck me because it showed that we can aim for joy, but it’s just not that simple, because our experiences are comprised of so many emotions and moments of significance, and sometimes joy arises from or coincides with anguish in unexpected ways.
The fact that I find these hard times to be setbacks means that I am not living in the grief, I’m just visiting with it from time to time. Emotions coexist within us and, I suppose they each need their moments in the spotlight, whether or not we are prepared to indulge them when they are triggered. Grief has its own timetable and we each journey through grief in our own way, at our own pace. Sometimes people are not patient with us, but we must be patient with and kind to ourselves.
Just a little post in honor of National Talk Like a Pirate Day. Ben always got a kick out of this day because he loved to talk like a pirate. Pirates of the Caribbean was one of his favorite attractions at Walt Disney World, and one that quickly became too difficult for him to navigate because of the big step onto and off of the boat. The special ringtone I had for Ben’s phone calls was “Yo Ho, Yo Ho, a Pirate’s Life for Me,” the song from that attraction. In fact, I listened to various versions of that tune today but I will never use that ringtone again because it is forever Ben’s.
On our last visit in July, 2014, I surprised Ben with the Pirates and Pals fireworks cruise at the Magic Kingdom, where he got to meet Captain Hook and Mr. Smee, and even Peter Pan. It was a wonderful time and a beautiful memory.
When I saw that today was National Talk Like a Pirate Day, I smiled and thought about Ben laughing and making his pirate sounds. It’s good to be able to smile at the good memories. There will always be a sting at what we won’t share ever again, but it’s a gift to be able to picture his smile and laughter and have such a joyful memory. Healing happens. Yo ho, my Ben!
At the Pirates and Pals Fireworks Cruise, Walt Disney World, July 2014
