August 24, 2016

Colorful Insight into the “Inside Out” of Our Emotions from Disney Pixar

abby_admin Caregiver, Caregiving, Disney, Grief, Uncategorized caregiver, caregiving, Disney, Emotions, grief, Pixar 4 Comments

If you haven’t seen Disney Pixar’s Inside Out, I highly recommend it. This very clever and colorful story takes you into the headquarters of 11 year old Riley’s mind, where her emotions- Joy, Anger, Fear, Disgust and Sadness- vie for attention, with Joy trying to keep the other emotions in check. In caregiving and in grief, my emotions have been all over the place, often at the same time! After all, even on a regular day without any unusual circumstances, our emotions can run the gamut, right?

Like Joy, I always wanted to cheer up Ben and my dad. I tried to push sadness- theirs and my own- into a circle. If only it was that simple! But, if they were really sad, that really was ok, and if I was feeling sad, that was ok, too. The truth is, sometimes embracing the sadness or fear and working through it together, or just being a shoulder to lean on in the sad, angry or scared times, did lead to some really loving and joyful moments that are now the bittersweet memories.

I can’t assign just one emotion to each memory. I remember that Ben and I were so delighted to be able to take that last trip to Walt Disney World in July 2014. When we were there we had our usual fun and funny times- my desire to repeatedly ride It’s a Small World, his delight in shouting to Winnie the Pooh and Tigger on that ride, the excitement of meeting our favorite friends, loving the magic of Fantasmic,… Ben always said, and I agree, that when you go to Walt Disney World you simply forget all of your troubles. But, we had big troubles. So while we laughed, we also cried, because in our hearts we knew that it would likely be our last trip and we were scared of what the future would bring. Now, I look at our photos and videos with a smile on my face that often turns into tears –I’m also sad and angry- I miss him and I know that we won’t have more of those memories. But, I also remember and will forever admire Ben’s bravery and determination to feel joy despite his own sadness, fear and anger at what was happening to him.

This week will mark one year since I lost Ben, and 2 1/2 years since I lost my dad, and I’m still feeling a wide range of emotions. I probably always will. My fantastic friends have been my “Joys” who try to cheer me up and provide comfort. It is always appreciated. Sometimes I have, indeed, been distracted, but joy doesn’t always win. The other emotions speak volumes. It is exhausting to pretend to be cheered up! Equally exhausting for them to deal with my sadness and depression, I’m sure! Now, at least those emotions have evolved into beautiful memories of very caring friends who are my family and for whom I continue to be grateful.

The highs and lows are difficult, but I try to give myself time to just feel. Sometimes the memories are lovely, sometimes they are painful, but it’s love and loss, it turns me Inside Out, and it’s all ok.

August 13, 2016

Love is a Song that Never Ends

abby_admin ALS, Caregiver, Caregiving, Grief, Uncategorized Bambi, caregiver, caregiving, Disney, grief 6 Comments

From Bambi. (1942) Music by Frank Churchill Lyrics by Larry Morey Photo: Walt Disney Pictures

From Bambi (1942)
Photo: Walt Disney Pictures

Click to play

“Love is a Song that Never Ends”
Music by Frank Churchill
Lyrics by Larry Morey

Love is a song that never ends
Life may be swift and fleeting
Hope may die yet love’s beautiful music
Comes each day like the dawn.

Love is a song that never ends
One simple theme repeating
Like the voice of a heavenly choir
Love’s sweet music flows on.

This is a song with words that I found comforting as a caregiver and now, in grieving and sorting through memories.

There were days that were hard, and neither Ben nor I were at our best with each other. I still look back on those days and feel sad. But, it’s difficult beyond words to need a caregiver, and it’s also difficult to be a caregiver. We were both overwhelmed by the whole situation- the ALS and what it was doing to him, his ever-increasing need for care, the confines of a small apartment, and our relationship that felt like it was shifting from one of husband and wife to one of patient and caregiver. We had so much love, but it was at times overshadowed by sadness, fear, resentment and guilt. It was an emotionally trying situation for both of us.

As Ben’s physical health diminished, it was hard for both of us to feel hopeful, or cheerful, or “normal.” ALS is unpredictable in its progression. We never knew what difficulty Ben would face. Less use of legs? hands? arms? speech? swallowing? Every day brought the possibility of a new or worsening condition. Nothing was going to get easier, though we hoped it would take a long time for things to get worse. We did try to adjust to the difficulties with humor, too. Ben was very entertained by all of the concoctions I made in the Cuisinart to accommodate his taste and need for finely pureed food. I became quite the creative chef!

It was often while reminiscing about our trips to Walt Disney World- such joyful and silly times- that we would be reminded of some of the best and most carefree parts of our 16 years together. Good friends and family to email or vent to, keeping a journal, and occasional therapy also helped!

Hope and love got us through very difficult and ugly times. Now, there is the hope that he has found peace and is free of the constraints of the disease, in a place where he can walk or run, eat, talk and sing. And love’s sweet music will always flow on in the form of beautiful memories.

I welcome your comments. If you do not see the Comment form at the bottom of this post, click on the title of the post, then scroll to the bottom of the post and it should appear. Thanks.

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August 3, 2016

Are Your Emotions All TANGLED?

abby_admin ALS, Caregiver, Caregiving, Grief, Uncategorized ALS, caregiver, caregiving, Disney, grief, Tangled 3 Comments

Tangled, 2010
Walt Disney Pictures, Walt Disney Animation Studios

So often I wished I could go back in time to the pre-ALS and pre-cancer days. Of course, Ben and my dad undoubtedly felt that way, too! As their caregiver, I had a very hard time finding a balance between time for Ben and my dad and time for myself. I don’t think that I ever did. I didn’t see my friends much, and I was very excited when I was able to go to the theater, ballet or dinner. This could only happen if someone (usually Ben’s daughter) would stay with him. Ben wanted me to do things for myself that made me happy but also hated that he was primarily homebound, which I completely understood. He did not want to have to depend on me, he wanted to be well and independent. We both struggled with guilt and resentment. There were many tangled emotions. I felt just like Rapunzel who was conflicted about wanting to be free but wanting to do what she thought was the right thing and obey her mother (the clip above). I wanted the freedom to have some semblance of a social life, yet I felt completely guilty and nervous about going out. At a restaurant, my phone was on the table in case someone had to reach me. At the theater, intermission was the time I would check my phone, call or text to be sure everyone was okay. I even slept with my phone next to me in case my dad called. At work or during errands, my phone was in my hand or pocket, just in case Ben or my dad needed me. I enjoyed time on my own, yet I always felt lonely and worried, and I couldn’t keep my thoughts from drifting to how life would ultimately be without them.

Now, too, I have “ups” where I go to a Broadway show or the ballet, or I make plans without having to consider caregiving responsibilities. But those “ups” are followed by such lows that are the grief, and it comes with a sadness that looms over everything. The role of caregiver comes naturally to me, and despite the stresses, I believe that caring for Ben and my dad was the best and most important thing I have ever done. It meant the world to me when I felt that I’d helped them. I’m floundering now that I do not have to fill that that role, though I will probably always question whether I did the best job I could do. I’m pushing through the lows because, after nearly a year, I know that I need to join the land of the living. I have begun to want to do things and see my friends. I figure that the joy and stability will come in time if I “just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.” For now, the emotions are still tangled.

I welcome your comments. If you do not see the Comment form at the bottom of this post, click on the title of the post, then scroll to the bottom of the post and it should appear. Thanks.

July 18, 2016

Who’s a Silly Old Bear?

abby_admin ALS, Caregiver, Caregiving, Grief, Uncategorized ALS, caregiver, caregiving, Disney, grief, Lou Gehrig's disease, Pooh 2 Comments

- Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh Copyright ©Disney Enterprises Inc. Quote: A. A. Milne

How often as a caregiver do you feel a sense of helplessness and ineptitude? For me, it was pretty frequently. That is why I started this blog.

Disney has been a way that I’ve found inspiration and strength as a caregiver and in my grief. There has also been some welcome joy and laughter when I never believed it possible. I wanted to share this with other caregivers, and I encourage your participation in this blog as a way to express and validate our feelings, and to support each other as we find ways to move forward. I haven’t found “the” answers, and I’m not an expert seeking to impart formulas for moving forward with grace and serenity. But, I can promise that this silly old bear and his friends in the 100 Acre Woods, as well as their Disney buddies, are pretty insightful and, especially if you are a Disney fan(atic), they will always bring a smile and comfort!

In my own experience, my husband, Ben, had ALS/Lou Gehrig’s disease, and at the same time my father, Jacob, had cancer. During the crises, or the exhaustion- physical and/or emotional- I definitely did not feel brave, strong or smart. I often I felt like I was running in circles and going through motions to get through each event. But, saying that quote to myself gave me something to hold on to. It became a kind of mantra for me and it never failed to make me smile. Say it. And say it again. I cannot tell you how many times it has helped me and I have fallen asleep to the DVD, “Winnie the Pooh and the 100 Acre Woods.” It has become like a lullaby and I highly recommend it.

Can you relate to this quote? Please share your stories. Thank you! And welcome to my blog.

I welcome your comments. If you do not see the Comment form at the bottom of this post, click on the title of the post, then scroll to the bottom of the post and it should appear. Thanks.