January 1, 2017. I wish everyone a happy, healthy, and peaceful New Year. I’ve never been one to ring in a new year with lots of fanfare. Growing up, my family and I sometimes went to dinner and a movie, but celebrations were very understated and I liked it that way. With Ben, I loved to cook a fancy dinner and have a cozy night at home. Every beginning of a new year should be filled with promise. Should be.
After his ALS diagnosis, although we never really said it aloud, it felt like there was nothing good to look forward to. Being reminded of time passing is not a great feeling when dealing with a terminal illness. There is no opportunity for a break when you’re a patient or a caregiver, so our routines were not altered during a holiday. I did want Ben to feel that things were somewhat festive, and I needed that, too. Decorating the apartment gave me a distraction but it also gave Ben a distraction, a change in his homebound environment, beauty to look at and whimsy. As his ALS progressed, there were no more fancy dinners, though we joked about my pureed creations. Our many Disney decorations surrounded us in beautiful memories. The ending of one year and beginning of another one came quietly and our only resolution could be to make the best of the time we had.
There was no way to know that our last New Year’s Eve would be December, 31, 2014. But, how wonderful it is that I can look back now and say that it was a very fun night that reminded us of the romantic, fun, and nutty times that defined our relationship. I ordered matching Mickey Mouse and Friends pajamas for us and even for Disney (from Pajamagram.com) Ben always loved the fireworks at Walt Disney World, and I found a toy that supposedly simulated fireworks, with sound effects and LED light “fireworks” that were activated by a remote control. We played the soundtrack to the “Wishes” Magic Kingdom fireworks show and Ben chose the sequence for our fireworks show while we had our photos scroll on his computer. It was pretty hilarious to pretend we were at the Magic Kingdom as we watched these pretty unconvincing fireworks splash on the wall. There is a brief video below. Don’t think it’s the video quality or the color calibration on your monitor, the fireworks really were that bad! It felt almost magical to laugh and enjoy the evening. And, it touches my heart still, that Ben woke up the next morning smiling and saying that he had so much fun. That silly celebration is now part of my treasure trove of beautiful memories of moments sprinkled with pixie dust.
In my previous post, I explained that Auld Lang Syne is very meaningful to me. For last year’s holiday card, I placed photos of Ben at his happiest and most vibrant around the words to that poem. I needed to see that and I wanted people to remember him laughing and enjoying life. I still find that this gives me more peace than sadness. And, in the moments that it does bring tears to look at the pictures and think about the times we will no longer have, that’s okay, too.
On this New Year’s Eve, I did a bit of celebrating, which says to me that I am healing. Those feelings can be confusing, because my joy does not mean that I have forgotten Ben or any of my loved ones. Words are powerful, and I do not like healing to be described as “moving on,” because in my mind it means leaving things behind, and I have not left my loved ones behind. “Auld Lang Syne” represents for me an opportunity to honor those I have lost and whom I miss, while I try to find my way in the present. I am very fortunate to have had these people in my life, to have felt their love and to have loved them. They have all helped to shape who I am. And so, it is with love, and joy, that I remember these special people and share some of their pictures. They will forever be with me in my heart, and will watch over and guide me as I take another step forward to welcome a 2017 that I hope will continue to find a better balance between grief and love, joy, peace, and laughter.