March 3, 2019

Grief and Wondering “Where Lost Things Go”

abby_admin ALS, Caregiver, Caregiving, Disney, Grief, Uncategorized Cats, Mary Poppins Returns 0 Comments

On Thursday, February 7, I had to let my sweet cat Disney go to be with Ben and my dad. She was a brave and strong little girl. At 17 years old, she had so much wrong with her- thyroid, diabetes, severe arthritis and cancer, and so many daily medications/injections/infusions, but she fought and stayed so loving and cuddly. On that evening, she kept falling over and then standing still, frozen and clearly scared, and she was also severely congested. She was miserable. I called the vet in a panic and they told us to come in. Turned out that she had a respiratory infection, and I could have left her overnight for an infusion of IV antibiotics to treat the infection, but her legs were not going to get better. The vet said that given how Disney had been progressing, it was likely that within a couple of weeks, she would have been back at the vet with another problem. And, her legs would only continue to weaken. I didn’t want her to live like that.  I always promised myself and her that I would never be selfish and keep her here because I could not stand to lose her.

During this time of her decline, I was living much the way I did when Ben was alone at home while I was at work. I worried throughout the day if she had fallen or if she became immobile or worse. I ran home after school and was grateful to find her up on the sofa waiting for me. Here I was, having conversations with the vet like I had in the hospital with Ben’s doctor. After Ben had his tracheostomy and got the feeding tube, he had several infections and pneumonia. This indicated that if Ben had chosen to go to a facility, he probably would have returned to the hospital within a couple of weeks with another similar infection or pneumonia. Ben had to decide how he wanted to live and die with ALS. Ultimately, he chose to go to the hospital’s hospice unit and separate from the vent. He knew that I would have supported any decision he made.

In Disney’s case, I had to decide what was best for her. I didn’t want her to be miserable. I let her go. Disney was there for me in the worst days with my dad and Ben. She was there for Ben, even at the end when they let her visit him in the hospice unit. I tried very hard to keep her as comfortable as possible, and on that Thursday night, I was there for her, holding and talking to her as she very peacefully left this world. I’ve done this too often for my loved ones in recent years, and although it’s an honor filled with love, I’m overwhelmingly sad and reliving all of those bad moments. I can now add the loss of Disney to the other lousy February dates: my dad’s birthday, I lost my dad and my grandma in February, and it was Ben’s birthday. I’m always happy to welcome March.

I know all the feelings of grief and their unpredictability. I know the sadness and the loneliness and even the anger, though that has been a more recent emotion for me within the past year. I am now caught up in the bad memories of conversations that I had about Ben, being there and watching him leave this world, feeling the awful loneliness at home, losing my routine. Disney was on special foods and meds that made for long mornings before I left for work.  My mornings with Ben were also hectic, making sure he was settled and secure before I left for school and rushing to get out the door. Those memories have not been not the ones that stick out at this point. I prefer to focus on the good times. But they’re back and they’re gnawing at me. The frequent tears have returned.

I was back to going through motions. I did not want to leave my apartment and yet it was so hard to be here, where I kept getting up to check on Disney only to remind myself that she was gone. I removed her meds, syringes, food bowls and litter box, which seemed to change my entire apartment. So, I went out and met my friends. We talked about Disney,

I had taken Disney’s Valentine picture the weekend before she died. I’ve written about my Valentine card-making tradition. Here I was with a bunch of Valentine cards featuring Disney’s photograph. Should I send them? Would people think it was wrong? I decided to send the card with a note attached that said that I kind of knew that it would be our last Valentine card, and that I wanted people to have a sweet memory of Disney because, after all, Valentine’s Day is about love.

I am someone who has to have a furbaby, and although it was very soon, on February 18, I welcomed a new little love, Tinker Bell, or Little Bell, as I have taken to calling her because, at less than 8 pounds she is almost fairy sized! She is only two years old and had a rough start in life, but she is a friendly, adorable cat who almost immediately began following me everywhere and talking to me. She is always at my side but she does not like to be hugged or held, as Disney did. Tinker Bell has quickly learned that in this home, she is safe and loved and will be spoiled. Sometimes, she is a delightful distraction because she is a bundle of energy that runs around the apartment and is so curious. At other times, because we don’t yet know each other well, I am reminded about the many things I loved and now miss about Disney. It unnerves me to wake up and not have to make time to give medication and arrange special meals because I feel the loss (but am so grateful that Tinker Bell is healthy.) Changes in routine are reminders of the loss. Disney knew everything I went through with my dad and Ben and was always ready for a cuddle when I needed it. Sometimes I think about that and smile and sometimes I cry. I tell Tinker Bell about Disney and I like to think she listens so that she knows that she, too, will be adored (and that hugs are nice!)  I like to think that Disney is also listening when I talk about, and to, her so that she knows that she will always have a big place in my heart. Although she was given a birthday of January 29 because it was the day that she was found in a box on Staten Island, I gave her a birthday of February 18, so give myself one good day in the month of February. With a name like Tinker Bell, I believe that she is going to be the pixie dust that the month of February needs.

I haven’t written about the new film Mary Poppins Returns. It is a very special film. The original Mary Poppins is very dear to me because it was the very first film I ever saw in a theater, and because for me, it is pure magic. Julie Andrews will always be Mary Poppins to me, though Emily Blunt did a wonderful job. This new version does not quite have the same whimsical magic for me, but it is very touching, and special in its own right, with important messages that resonated with me about love and loss. The song Where the Lost Things Go addresses how those we love and lose stay with us.So much of what defines our relationships seems to vanish with those we lose, but the memories keep them alive, but in a different way. It is not enough, and yet, it is quite a lot to have felt and given love, and to believe that our loved ones are thriving in a different place while they live in our hearts. I’ve printed the lyrics along with a video of the song.

The Place Where Lost Things Go
Composer: Marc Shaiman
Lyrics: Scott Wittman
Performed by Emily Blunt (Mary Poppins)

Do you ever lie
Awake at night?
Just between the dark
And the morning light
Searching for the things
You used to know
Looking for the place
Where the lost things go

Do you ever dream
Or reminisce?
Wondering where to find
What you truly miss
Well maybe all those things
That you love so
Are waiting in the place
Where the lost things go

Memories you’ve shed
Gone for good you feared
They’re all around you still
Though they’ve disappeared
Nothing’s really left
Or lost without a trace
Nothing’s gone forever
Only out of place

So maybe now the dish
And my best spoon
Are playing hide and seek
Just behind the moon
Waiting there until
It’s time to show
Spring is like that now
Far beneath the snow
Hiding in the place
Where the lost things go

Time to close your eyes
So sleep…

There are things that I miss about all of the too many people and pets I have lost, and yet, they are not really lost because they reside within me. The fact is that all of the love I have felt and given has helped to shape me. Now, I hope that Disney and Ben are “where the lost things go,” comfortably walking together, and I’m sure my dad is spoiling her as he always did.

To quote another song – a Broadway show tune- that I often sang to Disney and that seemed to calm her when I gave her some medications, “I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.”