Today is Ben’s birthday. Just one more lousy milestone date in February. I had no idea how I would feel today so I had no plan.
I woke up and greeted my laptop wallpaper- a picture of Ben- with loving birthday greetings. Tinker Bell and I watched the birthday video that I made a few years ago to honor Ben’s birthday. I still miss his playing the song for me on my birthday, but I like listening to it on his. Another day of memories. At this point, I am just resigned to it. At least this morning I’m thinking of the good memories and not just about the times of ALS and illness.
I decided to go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where there is a Walt Disney exhibition. Ben and I loved to go to the Met. He had not spent time there until we began dating, and I enjoyed his reactions to areas and objects that I loved, as well as discovering new things with him. I am an art lover and Ben loved history, so it was fun to see things through his eyes.
I was feeling proud of myself for summoning the energy and motivation to go to the Museum on this day. In my mind, it was growth that I did not end up sitting on the sofa all day, exhausting myself wondering what to do and ultimately waiting until it was too late to do anything but feel down. It showed that I was finding ways to honor Ben and our relationship, but also living in the present. Unfortunately, I did not consider that today is President’s Day AND the beginning of a vacation week for NYC public schools. The lines were crazy. I was told it was at least a 90-minute wait for the exhibition. In the midst of my medical treatments, my health is fragile now and I did not want to compromise my safety, so I left. I am a member of the Met, so I will return, but it was a disappointment on an already sad day. I found myself pondering if it just poor planning or if it was a message that today is not the day to look ahead, even if motivated by Ben and our memories? Thoughts like these keep me on the sofa, immobile and lost.
Returning home to the cocoon of my memories is also retreating to the way I have previously coped with my grief. My go-to on days like this is to watch Ben’s favorite films, including Monsters Inc., Toy Story and Mulan. I do like these moments of communing with my memories, even if they bring tears.
Today, as I watched Monsters Inc. I was most moved by the scene where Mike gets Sully that one missing piece that allows him to open the door and reunite with Boo. I wish I had that little piece of a door. It seems that these milestone days open the door, but my loved ones are not really there. I am greeted by a flood of bittersweet memories. I have to decide when to step back across the threshold into the world of the living. On days like today, it is a sad journey. At the same time, I am grateful for the memories.
I am still Mulan, asking myself, “Who is this girl I see, staring straight back at me?” Grief has let me discover new sides of myself and reflect on who I am and who I want to be. In my opinion, that is never a bad thing. What I always strive for is that if I ever figure it out, that I am someone who, like Mulan, would bring pride to Ben and my family. But, I’m definitely no warrior, except, as Ben would tell you, at a really good sample sale.
Happy Birthday to my Mickey. You are missed every single day and I love you “¡hasta el infinito y más allá!”