Cost of Living- Tales of Care Giving

I have written about theater and its importance in my life (click here to see a prior blog post). It was the thing I missed the most when I was caregiving for my dad and Ben, the thing I turned to for peace of mind, enlightenment and inspiration. It is my favorite form of self-care. Of course, a Disney show is pure magic! Even when it is very difficult, as today was, theater always sheds light on my world.

This afternoon, I saw an off-Broadway play called Cost of Living, by Martyna Majok. It is a brilliant play that tells the stories of people who are brought together and who are caregivers or need them. I cannot deny that I was nervous about seeing the play. I am always emotional, and this is a tough topic, albeit one that is integral to my very being. I was also curious about how it would tackle the subject- the title itself was intriguing.

As it turns out, it was, indeed an intense experience. There were aspects of caregiving- from the physical tasks to the impacts on relationships- that brought back memories that had begun to haunt me less frequently. Still, it was beautifully done. It is important to tell these stories. This is a play that should be required viewing, particularly for those who know and want to support caregivers. The vulnerability and fear were palpable, and so are the strength and bravery. It feels good to know that these stories are making their way into art.

I couldn’t find words after the play. I walked to the Hershey’s store, where, ironically, I was buying chocolate for my school club that is essentially serving as caregivers for the school and local community, and even planning events for next month’s National Family Caregivers Month. My club is a positive result of my own caregiving experiences, and I am thankful that I have been able to channel the hard times to help others. Still, it doesn’t take much to invoke a storm of bad memories and tears.

I ended up needing the long walk home. I rehashed memories of caregiving and of the rough times. I thought about the character who missed his wife and how much I still miss Ben, say good night to him every night and often turn to his desk chair and talk to him. He’s very present in my life despite his absence.

NYC is a big and busy city. No one would notice my crying. That is a good thing, actually. I just needed to be with my thoughts. I put on my “Ben Playlist” and listened to our songs. I thought about the times  when I was rushing to run errands quickly because I did not like to leave Ben alone, and it struck me that no one could have known what was going on at home. I remembered meeting the woman on the street who on the surface seemed unnecessarily annoyed at not finding the address she sought, but I walked with her and, sensing her panic, I found the location for her and then accompanied her. As we walked she revealed her own illness, which was not apparent (click here for more about this experience) and I was thankful that I helped rather than judged her. When the pandemic hit, and some people were complaining about wearing masks, I said that I wore mine because if Ben had been alive, I would have been terrified about potentially bringing COVID to him. in support of anyone feeling that kind of stress, I wore my mask even when guidelines cautiously eased about their necessity in some settings.

There is indeed a cost of living. We never know what is going on in someone else’s life. Are they ill? Are they a caregiver? Are they in grief? One of the most important mantras for me has been that it is incredibly difficult to be a caregiver, AND it is incredibly difficult to need a caregiver. As I have taken steps forward, I have found that the costs have also brought the rewards of insight and motivation to support others. So much comes down to kindness without judgment.

I am grateful to Manhattan Theatre Club for producing this beautiful piece of theater and to the immensely talented cast for performances that will stay with me. I hope that the theater community continues to tell these stories. The fact that the cast included members who know and have lived the experience heightened the power of the play. It is my hope that this kind of diversity will also continue to spread throughout the theater and arts community. It will be my honor to attend and cry in support, compassion and, solidarity.

Here is a link for more information about the production.