April 7, 2019

On Looking Up, Cheering Up And All Things Up…Or Not

abby_admin ALS, Caregiver, Caregiving, Disney, Grief, Uncategorized 0 Comments

I just saw the new Dumbo, which I enjoyed. It’s a different telling of the story, with added dimensions that make it darker and a bit harsher, and once I suspended comparisons to the original animated version, I was able to see a lot of good things. Seeing Dumbo fly continues to be magical, despite the obvious theatrical effects, because we are rooting for this very sweet and sad little elephant. His flying is overcoming a challenge and finding a gift and talent. He doesn’t just fly, he soars! Isn’t that what we all strive to do?

Seeing the film made me think about all of the references to flying and looking up in terms of our viewpoints and moods. Think of the expression “cheer UP.” It’s interesting how we look up to the sky for hope and inspiration. When I was about four years old, my great-grandmother died, and I was told that she went up to heaven. I took that literally, as most kids that age would, and whenever I saw a pink sunset, I thought she was saying hello from heaven. To this day I think of that.

Here’s some UP-lifting inspiration in Disney and Pixar films.

After seeing the new Dumbo, I couldn’t help but think of the original Dumbo and its unforgettable quote, “The very things that held you down are going to carry you up and up and up.” I have written about how I lost myself when I was the caregiver simultaneously for my dad and Ben, but that it was also the most loving and meaningful experience I have ever had. (click here for my prior Dumbo post). Through that experience, as I began to reshape my life, I realized that being a caregiver is integral to who I am. It was not a quick revelation, and it took distance from the actual work of caregiving to see it, but I did gain insight. That, in itself, has given me perspective that meaning and significance may reveal themselves in unexpected ways and in due course. It comforts me to know that it’s there and it makes me want to find it. That is pixie dust and Disney magic at its best!

“Think of all the joy you’ll find, when you leave the world behind and bid your cares good-bye. You can fly!”- Peter Pan

This is a bittersweet quote to me. I think about Ben leaving this earth. I believe that he found peace, and hopefully, joy, when he bid farewell to ALS and its physical and emotional tolls. Now, for me, it is a message of rising above the scars of caregiving and loss. Again, those things may have held me down, but they also lifted me up so that I can fly over those obstacles. Being able to fly allows me to look down and get a clear and bigger picture of the trajectory of my life. The sky is endless, as I like to believe are the possibilities.

 “There’s a different point of view awaiting you if you just look up.”– Jack, Mary Poppins Returns

It’s hard to argue with Jack, especially when Jack is played by Lin-Manuel Miranda, who seems to do everything right! I have found that sometimes even a conversation with someone allows me to look at a situation in a different light that is helpful. It may be positive, it may even be negative, but a new change of view can let some light, or wisdom, into your current situation.

 “When you change the view from where you stood the things you view will change for good.” – Mary Poppins, Mary Poppins Returns

Mary Poppins-in her original and reimagined form-inspires me! I do believe this because I have experienced it. It took some time after my caregiving days and the depths of raw grief to reframe my thoughts and memories. Although I wish upon wishes that my loved ones did not have to suffer and need me as a caregiver, I can now look back on my memories, shifting from the challenging times to see that I learned so much and had a unique and treasured opportunity to give and receive love. I am not being naïve or denying the physical and emotional challenges and scars, but broadening my way of looking at them.

“Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky”- from the song A Whole New World, Aladdin

Songwriters: Alan Menken, Tim Rice

Looking up into the sky to me seems like just a way of reminding us to look for the unseen possibilities and unexpected surprises. Yes, I have been, and will be, disappointed in people and events, but I am more keen to remember the delightful surprises- the people who have shown up, the kindness that I have received, the memories that have shared with about Ben from people whom Ben and I both thought had forgotten him. I think about the new friends I have made and the lasting friendships that have been strengthened. Those are all indescribably wonderful feelings.

Nowhere To Go But Up
Songwriters: Scott Wittman / Marc Shaiman

Life’s a balloon
That tumbles or rises
Depending on what is inside
Fill it with hope
And playful surprises
And oh, deary ducks
Then you’re in for a ride

Look inside the balloon
And if you hear a tune
There’s no where to go but up
Choose the secret we know
Before life makes us grow
There’s nowhere to go but up

I love this song, and not just because it was sung by one of my favorite performers, Angela Lansbury! But, it’s a realistic look at life that acknowledges its ebbs and flows. I get my strong inner child from my mom, but I hold onto it to try to find the pixie dust when things are lousy. It made me want to handle the challenges of caregiving and grief with at least some level of grace and helped me to bring smiles to my dad and to Ben. It allowed Ben and me to go to Walt Disney World and shed our cares as we lost ourselves in the magic. And, although I have the moments when I still feel like I’m stuck on the ground, I do aim to look up for the pixie dust and to spot the magic. I may be down, but from down, there’s nowhere to go but up, especially if I hold on tight to the child-like whimsy that I get from my mom.

Let’s Go Fly a Kite’
Songwriters: Richard Sherman / Robert Sherman

Let’s go fly a kite
Up to the highest height!
Let’s go fly a kite and send it soaring
Up through the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear
Oh, let’s go fly a kite!

I had to pay homage to my very favorite Disney film, and the first I ever saw in a theater, Mary Poppins. Who can forget the images of the family walking down Cherry Tree Lane with the kite and then of everyone flying their kites and looking up, spreading good cheer, even sharing good memories as the bank partner spoke of the passing of his father. And, just like I believe that my loved ones are watching over me, you know that Mary Poppins is taking to the skies to watch over the Banks family. Lest you think I have overlooked the original Mary Poppins, click here for a post on wisdom from Mary Poppins

“When the world turns upside down, the best thing to do is turn right along with it.” – Mary Poppins, Mary Poppins Returns

Looking up can certainly help us to cheer up and to change our moods. But, the truth is, sometimes we can barely get off the ground or out of bed. I firmly believe that I need to let myself feel sad. We need to trust ourselves and not force a smile when we’re not feeling it. There have been times when I have told people I’m fine. There are times I’ve told myself I’m fine because maybe I haven’t even realized that I’m not. Then, the tears really flow. It’s exhausting. Friday would have been Ben’s and my 20^th anniversary. There was a sadness to the day that I could not deny or ignore. But, I have also learned not to anticipate how I will feel or what I will do. In fact, it was an up and down kind of day.

There is so much advice in Disney films about looking up when you’re feeling down.  I do think it’s important to remember that in the depths of grief, we don’t always want to look up. Or, we want to, but we are incapable of feeling anything but devastation, anger, confusion or even numbness. I agree with Mary Poppins (no surprise there!) There is a point during Disney Pixar’s Inside Out (clip below) where Joy realizes that life is a composition of many emotions. We cannot eliminate the sadness, or even the anger or anxiety. It is the human experience. For me, it’s a matter of balancing the emotions, looking for good memories and knowing that I can pace my life and be attuned to myself. I can grant myself permission to feel any emotion at any time and know that I am, and will be, okay. Also, that there is help in many forms if I’m not feeling okay.

I want to conclude with Up, a film that, in its title alone, summons optimism! It’s always been important to me to acknowledge my feelings and to validate the feelings of others without stamping my prescription for cheering up, unless specifically solicited. There are ups and downs. These days there are more ups than downs, though there is always insecurity about the future and even a certain fear of being alone. But, as Ellie taught Carl, I remind myself that “Adventure is out there.”

I hope that Ben and my dad are at peace, up, up and away from their illness and worries. I know that they are looking down and watching over me.